Seeping Matter

I don’t know if you guys knew this, but I’m dang funny.

I’m not kidding around here.  Well, actually, I sort of am.  But really, I’m hilarious.

I mean it.

In fact, I’ve been told that I’m too funny.  I tell too many jokes.  People don’t appreciate that.  I totally get it, too.  It hurts to laugh too much, plus you start to cry and you blow snot all over yourself.

In Heinlein’s book “Stranger in a Strange Land,” the story of the human Michael Smith who was born and raised on Mars and brought back to earth to learn how to behave like a human, one of the hardest things for him to learn was to have a sense of humor.  As the book goes, Martians had no concept of humor and the humans had a hard time teaching Michael about humor and why people laugh.

Initially Michael was told that people laugh when something is funny, which means it is something happy or something that makes him happy.  Yet Michael knew that people also felt happiness through love, and friendship, and achievement, and yet those sorts of things didn’t make people laugh.  It wasn’t until some time later that Michael came to the realization that things are funny not because they are happy, but because they are painful.  People laugh to deal with the pain, the irony, the frustration, the sadness.  Not because they are happy.

Jerry Seinfeld says, “What’s the deal with airline food?”  We laugh because we are thinking, “Yeah, no kidding.  Airline food is lame!”  Brian Regan says, “I before E, except after C, and when sounding like ‘A’ as in ‘neighbor’ and ‘weigh’, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you’ll always be wrong no matter what you say!”  We laugh because we think, “For sure.  I can never figure out how that rule is supposed to work!”  I say, “People hate to laugh because they blow snot all over themselves.”  You laugh because you think, “I know, that is so embarrassing, and now I have to wash these clothes.”

We don’t laugh at jokes about airline food because we love it so much.  We laugh because it is so annoying.  Michael Smith (or Heinlein, technically) was right — we laugh because it hurts, not because it is happy.

This is why I’m finding it odd that some people don’t like me making such funny jokes because my humor is too cynical and sarcastic.  According to Heinlein, it wouldn’t be so darn funny if it wasn’t a little painful.  And we know that Heinlein could not be wrong.  After all, he wrote Starship Troopers, which was a great story before Paul Verhoeven ruined it.

In other words, it isn’t the cynicism or sarcasm that is inappropriate.  It is the humor that is inappropriate.  It’s like I’m trying to tell you, I’m literally too funny.  I can’t help myself.  I start out trying to have a serious blog post and the next thing you know you are scrubbing snot off your monitor.

Sorry.

matt Humor Humor

So last night was the big finale of “Lost,” the TV show sensation that proved you don’t actually need to have a workable plot to make uber-gazillions of dollars selling flashing pictures to people.

I haven’t actually watched the finale yet.  I may or may not, but the murmur I’ve seen on the interwebs about it today indicates that the finale is probably pretty much what I thought it would be.

A month or so ago I read about this in my issue of “Wired.”  I like Wired, but admittedly the authors are guilty of a bit of fanboyism with some things.  Like Google.  And Apple.  And, apparently, Lost.  They did a big write-up where, among other things, they discussed with the writers of “Lost” many of the unsolved questions in Lost up to that point, and asked the writers if all the questions would be answered.  The writers pontificated, talked in circles, praised themselves and their genius, and in many other ways answered, to paraphrase:  No, not really.

I was going to post a link to the Wired article, but I changed my mind because they used a potty word.  But you can get pretty much the gist of it here.

Anyway, I figure I better chip in here, to help people understand the finale of “Lost.”  I think I owe it to the global economy to just cut to the chase here and end the debate.

Episode 1: A bunch of people miraculously survive a jet airliner crash-landing on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, only to find they are deserted there.

Episodes 2-(Finale-1): The writers attract a devoted following as they create more questions than answers by throwing everything into the show they can think of.  Lifelike inanimate objects.  Unexplained wild animals.  Intricate past and future lives.  A mysterious sequence of numbers.  Others.  Dharma Initiatives.  Moving islands.  Magnets.  Time travel.  Alternate universes.  Nuclear weapons that don’t kill people.  Dead people who are not dead.  An island that needs protecting.  As best I can explain it, the writers would get together on Monday, do drugs all week long, and on Friday they’d take whatever they happened to write down or remember from the week and make that into a show.

Finale: Panic sets in as the writers realize that people want an ending.  Then they remember:  We’re artists!  We’re elite!  We don’t have to explain ourselves!  If the audience can’t understand our art, that makes them uncultured swine!  And we can even tell them this and they will worship us all the more!  We don’t have to explain anything!

Somewhere in here, in an incredible act of hubris, they actually tell people in magazine interviews that they are doing this.  And even more incredibly, most people hear this and say, “Oh, yes!  We ARE uncultured swine!  Thank you for not answering any of our questions!”

Anyway, I hope this clarifies things for you.

matt Humor Humor, Rants

Have you ever sent your child to school when they had a sore throat?

You probably thought it wasn’t too serious.  You probably didn’t want to have to deal with them being home sick.  You probably didn’t want to have to take a day off work or cancel your lunch date with your girlfriends.  (By the way, if that last one applies to you, I hope you are a girl, or not married.)

Anyway, you sent your child to school with a sore throat.

Well, guess what, Mr. Selfish-Pants?  Your child has strep throat!  Yep.  You didn’t even know it.

And then, since your child has strep, and since your child is in class with my child, now my child has strep.

And guess what else?  Maybe my child reacts differently to strep.  Maybe instead of just getting strep throat, my child gets a much more severe infection.  Did you know that thousands of children under the age of 12 are hospitalized each year for strep infections?

I’m not really sure if that is true, because I just made it up.

Nevertheless, maybe my child has a severe reaction.  Maybe my child ends up having some form of vasculitis or a fever or severe muscle and joint pain or pneumonia or swelling in her abdominal organs!  Maybe my child ends up severely ill and hospitalized for days and days while doctors try to figure out what is wrong!  Other than the fact that she gets to take narcotics, almost nothing good has come out of this!  All because you sent your child to school with strep throat.

That’s not all.  Maybe I had to miss several days of work to help take care of my sick child in the big scary hospital.  Maybe this happened right at the end of a project deadline, so as a result maybe my project missed its delivery date.  Maybe that means that our software product is not going to ship on time.  All because of you.

If that were to happen, maybe Microsoft misses its earnings projections. (In seriousness, please see below. Really.)  As a result of reporting bad earnings, our stock tanks, costing thousands of Microsoft employees and other shareholders thousands or even millions of dollars.  Revenues in Best Buy stores in the Redmond, Washington area drop 50% over the previous year due to unrealized bonuses.  The economy plummets as the S&P drops hundreds of points in a single day due to Microsoft’s bad numbers.

People all over the country lose their jobs due to the tanking economy.  This death cycle continues as one company after another fails to meet revenue targets.  More and more people lose their homes.  Homeless rates skyrocket.  Anarchy reigns as people band together in small militias to stay alive, using force to raid convenience and grocery stores for food and water.  Larger militias take over entire towns and enforce their will through starvation of those who will not align under their rule.

Martial law is put into effect as the entire country becomes a military state in attempt to maintain some semblance of peace.  Basic freedoms guaranteed by the constitution are lost as the military takes over.  Local militia groups band together under an evil leader and take over the government by military coup, installing that leader as a supreme fascist dictator in a new communistic government.  Millions are needlessly slaughtered in public executions in order to bring the rest of the populace under control.

Then a huge asteroid is discovered, hurtling through outer space and heading straight for Earth.  And since the government has been overthrown and the new government no longer has any money, we can’t hire the world’s best deep-water drilling team to come and learn how to be astronauts in two weeks and fly up into outer space, slingshot around the moon at 35 g’s and drill into the asteroid, put nukes in there and blow it up.  The asteroid hits earth and everyone and everything on earth dies.

All because you sent your child to school with a sore throat.  You selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish little self-centered selfish-person, you.

DISCLAIMER: I work for Microsoft, but I don’t speak for Microsoft. I already said this before, but I’m just making sure you know, in case you don’t know how to tell when I am joking around. Seriously, I have no idea how our earnings will go. I have absolutely no inside information. I’m just a peon. Whatever you do, don’t make investment decisions based on my blog posts. If you saw my portfolio you would know what I’m talking about.

matt Humor Editorial, Humor, Rants

On Twitter I just announced that I’m starting a new fund:  the “Build Matt a Private Indoor Lap-Swimming Pool” fund.

I’m so excited about this new venture.  If successful, I’m sure it will bring me a lot of joy, and hopefully it will do the same for all the contributors.

Here’s how it works:

• I want a private indoor lap-swimming pool.
• I don’t have any money.
• Other people have money.  Maybe even YOU.
• You contribute money to my fund.
• I build a private indoor lap-swimming pool.
• I’m happier.
• Maybe you will be happier.

I know you are eager to contribute and become a Partner.  Here are the different levels of contribution:

• $10000 – Gold Partner
• $5000 – Silver Partner
• $2000 – Bronze Partner
• $1000 – Iron Partner
• $500 – Tinfoil Partner

Minimum contribution is $500.  Gold Partners get their names printed in a little plaque that I might display inside the pool.  And they also get a 50% discount on swimming at my pool between the hours of 1:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m.

Talk about win-win.  I know you are excited, so feel free to contact me for more details on how to contribute.

matt Humor Humor

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So, uhhhh, hmm…..

Wulllllllllllllllll…….

I, uhhh, was told, uhhh, at work that, uhhhh, they, uhhh, wish I were, uhhh, as passionate about, uhhhh, my job as, uhhhhh, my blog.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, hrrrrmmmmmmm.   This is, uhhhh, a problem, hrm.

So, uhhh, that’s it.  No more, uhhhhhh, interesting posts.  Only, uhhhhh, boring posts.  From now on.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh, bye.

matt Humor Humor

So I just finished some online banking and stepped away for a moment.  When I came back I clicked the Logout button and got an error message saying this:

Your request can not be completed because your Web Access session has expired. Please click OK and login again.

So let me get this straight.

I cannot log out because my login has expired.

This means that I am effectively logged out.

What I should do is log in again.

Then I will be able to log out.

Did I get understand that correctly?

matt Humor Humor

The game Forza Motorsport 2 took a step towards greatness tonight when it helped me answer that question you and I have both been wondering about our whole lives:  What would it be like to drive a 700HP blown Aston Martin V12 Vanquish in a demolition derby?

Answering difficult questions is one of the main things that great video games do.

As far as I’m concerned, a great video game is supposed to allow you to make virtual people do things that you would never do personally in real life.  By this I don’t just mean “fight aliens” either.  I also mean things like “fight aliens using only a chainsaw.”  Fighting aliens using only a chainsaw is not a recommended activity for a living person, because the aliens are likely to shoot you with too many fireballs before you can get close enough to saw them.  But I think it is a great thing for a virtual person to do.

Some people disagree with this assertion.  They want video games to resemble actual life.  These are the kind of people who do not have a real life and so they obtain a Second Life.  They grade games based on how “realistic” they are.

Not me.  The point of playing a video game is to escape reality, not create more reality.  The point of playing a video game is to answer difficult questions, the kind that cannot be answered in reality.

Here are some very key questions that, thanks to video games, we have the answers to:

• Is it possible to obtain victory in a military conflict without actually harvesting any vespene gas or training any combat units?
  • Answer:  Yes — at least if you are a Protoss.  Simply build a forge and then overwhelm the enemy with a plethora of photon cannons.  (StarCraft)
• What do you do when a new neighbor moves in next door, paints the entire house black, and goes about the neighborhood wearing a black fisherman’s poncho and sporting a handheld fish hook, looking eerily exactly like the villain in “I Know What You Did Last Summer”?
  • Answer:  You walk over, greet him, and invite yourself inside.  (The Sims)
• What happens when you run into oncoming traffic in a firetruck going around 80 mph?
  • Answer:  Most cars go flying out of your way.  (Grand Theft Auto 3)
• Can Chad Reed win Glen Helen on my KX 250?
  • Answer:  Yes; in fact, he has done so in convincing fashion many times, despite some pretty wicked crashes.  (Motocross Madness 2)
• What is the shortest possible street circuit of any consequence that you can have in London?
  • Answer:  Start in front of the National Gallery.  Drive as fast as you can around Trafalgar Square, back in front of the National Gallery again.  This circuit is known as “Tinier Tim.”  (Project Gotham Racing 3)

I’ve said before, and reaffirm here, that some characteristics of good computer games are to a) allow user generated content and b) allow you to play the game in an alternate way.  These traits, along with c) CHEAT CODES, are very helpful if a video game is going to help answer difficult questions.  As examples, consider the Project Gotham Racing series.  PGR3 includes a track editor.  PGR4 does not.  So, despite having many more tracks and cars, PGR4 will never attain the level of excellentness that PGR3 has attained.  And consider The Sims, an otherwise horrible game.  But it is possible to create neighborhoods with rich coeds and mass murderers and really pathetically poor people, and then run their lives in evil, twisted, masochistic ways.  And Sim Survivor, don’t forget!  Finally, let’s not underestimate the significance of the phrase “give us a tank” to the success of Grand Theft Auto 3!

Forza Motorsport 2 is a driving simulator, and it seems pretty intent on achieving a high degree of realism.  This isn’t exactly a sin, but why would I be interested in driving a Ford Focus in a simulation?  Driving a Ford Focus cannot possibly be fun in real life; how could it be fun in virtual life?

This is a major drawback, until you start winning and earning credits.  Suddenly, you can do some fun things, like buy a virtual car that looks exactly like your real 2003 Nissan 350Z, but then add every upgrade so now your Z is a 215mph race car.

Or you can answer the question that’s been plaguing you for ages, “What would it be like to drive a 700HP blown Aston Martin V12 Vanquish in a demolition derby?”  Since, admirably, Forza Motorsport 2 allows you to drive backwards (unlike some ultra-lame racing games), you can easily answer this question for yourself.

(If you are confused, “backwards” means “around the track in the opposite direction”, which is something that is obviously awesome, not “driving in reverse”, which is something that is only arguably awesome.)

True, it lacks cheat codes and user-generated content.  I’m not allowed to really excellent things, like drive my car into the grandstands (all possible in Motocross Madness 2).  So Forza Motorsport 2 may never achieve true greatness.  But the ability to drive backwards is definitely a step in the right direction.

matt Humor 350z, Gaming, Hobbies, Microsoft, Motocross

I stopped in at the Texaco today for gasoline, a car wash, and windshield wiper fluid.  I pay cash now (more on this later) so I went into the store to pay for the other two things and prepay for my gas.

The car wash and wiper fluid totaled $10.41.

Me:  I also need some gas on pump #7.  I’ll pay you $30 so just put the rest towards gas.

Teller Lady:  Uh…

Me:  (looking at the register sub-total)  … So in other words, I want $19.59 in gas.

Teller Lady:  (punches a bunch of numbers on the register)

Teller Lady:  Okay.  Wow, you were so close!  It’s actually $19.59 in gas.

Yes, I was close.  In fact, it would be hard to be any closer.

matt Humor Humor

Once upon a time, there was a nice young man named AMA Superbike.  He really looked up to his big brother, named World.  In fact, AMA really wanted to grow up to be just like World.  So he tried to emulate his big brother in every way.

His big brother had some great friends, with names like Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, and Kawasaki.  AMA also made friends with these people.

World was really into motorcycle racing.  AMA was really into motorcycle racing too.

World Superbike worked with his friends Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, and Kawasaki to create a racing series based on 600cc and 1000cc production sport bikes.  This helped his friends to produce more powerful, better handling, higher quality motorcycles for their customers.  And it helped World create a great racing series that racing fans not only loved but could identify with, because they knew they could go out and buy bikes almost just like those to ride themselves.  When AMA saw how great the World Superbike racing series was, AMA worked with those same friends to create a racing series too.  The AMA Superbike racing series was great also.

Everything was great.  World Superbike had a great racing series, and so did AMA Superbike.  World Superbike had millions of great fans, and so did AMA Superbike; in fact, they shared many of the same fans.  World Superbike had many great riders, and so did AMA Superbike; in fact, some riders used to move from one series to the other.

Then, one day on his way home from school, AMA met a very bad person named DMG.

At first, he tried not to be friends with DMG.  After all, he knew DMG’s reputation.  He knew that DMG was responsible for turning NASCAR stock car racing, which used to race cars that were actually based on stock cars, into such a pathetic form of racing that it was the laughing stock of the auto racing world.

But DMG was persistent and persuasive.  DMG kept telling AMA that it wouldn’t hurt to be friends.  DMG kept saying how many fans NASCAR had, and conveniently avoided the fact that most NASCAR fans are drunk redneck alcoholics that don’t even pay attention to the race.  DMG kept saying how many racers NASCAR had, and conveniently avoided the fact that none of them really had that much racing talent.

AMA knew he should not be friends with DMG.  But despite knowing better, he gave into temptation.  He started hanging out with DMG even though he knew he shouldn’t.

World said he should not do this.  ”Don’t be fooled by DMG,” said World.  ”He doesn’t know anything about racing — especially motorcycle racing.  He will ruin your life!”

Suddenly, AMA reacted in a way he never had before.  ”You are not the boss of me!” he shouted.  ”You can’t tell me what to do!  I can do whatever I want!”

AMA stormed out of the house.  With nowhere to go, he went over to DMG’s house.  ”Wow, World must not be that good of a friend to treat you that way,” said DMG sympathetically.  ”I would never treat you that way.”

“What should I do?” asked AMA.  ”I don’t understand why World doesn’t want us to be friends.”

DMG replied, “He just doesn’t appreciate you.  You’re better than him!  Trust me.  You don’t need that dumb old World Superbike!  I’ll show you how to make a really great racing series!”

Unfortunately, AMA listened to DMG.  He changed his entire racing series from a proven successful formula to something most of his former fans now refer to as NASBike.  He turned his back on his friends like Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, and Kawasaki.  In fact, once he moved away from World Superbike and started hanging out with DMG, Honda said that he could not be friends with AMA anymore.  AMA’s three-time champion left to race for World instead, and AMA’s former seven-time champion said he wouldn’t race anymore if AMA didn’t quit being friends with DMG.  A year later, he retired for good.

Despite all of this, AMA wouldn’t stay away from DMG.  Before, AMA looked up to World and wanted to be like him; now, for some reason AMA thought he was better than World, and felt for some reason like this was important.  So AMA wouldn’t race at the best tracks if World was also there at the same time.  AMA would sometimes wait a month or more to show television coverage of their races.  And the new race format was so confusing and ridiculous that nobody could understand it.

Before too long, everyone who used to be friends with AMA forgot about him.  Everyone except DMG.  Everyone else forgot about him, because he forgot about all of them.  They all just became friends with World instead, and forgot that AMA was even there anymore.

And that was how AMA went from being awesome to nothing in just one year.  And he lived miserably ever after.  The End.

Moral

The moral of this story is:  DMG bites.

Update:

I sent a link to this post to the AMA with the following message:

To Whom It May Concern:

Thought you might be interested to read my latest blog post on AMA Pro Road Racing (http://blog.mvryan.org/2009/10/the-sad-tale-of-ama-superbike-a-bedtime-fable/), which was written not so much as a bash session, but more as an interesting retrospective.
I learned one very interesting thing about myself writing it.  I’ve lived in Utah for over 9 years.  I’ve attended every single AMA Supercross in Salt Lake, as well as others nearby.  I’ve attended every AMA and World Superbike event at Miller Motorsports Park since the track opened.  I watch every AMA Supercross, AMA Motocross, World Superbike, MotoGP, and Formula One race on TV.  You could say I’m a racing fan.
I also used to watch every AMA road racing event on TV.  That is, up until this year.  I watched the first event, but when I couldn’t make any sense of the classes, had to wait for (sometimes several) weeks to watch the events on TV, and when you refused to come to Miller’s this year, I completely lost interest.
That’s what I found interesting:  Between you and DMG, you messed it up so much, in fact, that I, a true racing fan, completely forgot the series was even going on.  Note, I did not actively choose to boycott in protest of the changes.  The changes you made had the effect of causing me to lose interest.  I don’t care about the series anymore – it is as uninteresting to me as a club racing series in another part of the country.
So there’s some feedback for you.  If your intent was to gain fans, well, it seems what you did was exactly the opposite.

I’ll let you know if I hear from them.

matt Humor AMA Superbike, Humor, Racing, World Superbike

So Amber and I are waiting at Salt Lake International for our flights to Seattle, and I see this guy walk in front of me. I leaned over to Amber and said, “That guy right there looks a lot like an old college professor I had. The one right there with the curly hair. I wonder if it is him.”

I didn’t say anything though, until later on the plane, where as luck would have it his seat was right next to mine. After we both sat down, I said, “You look like someone I know.”

“I doubt it,” he said.

That’s a weird thing to say, because how could he possibly who all of the people that I know are, and what they look like? And whether I think one of them looks like him? But whatever.

“Yeah, well, I had a college professor that looked a lot like you.”

“Oh, really? What school?”

“Utah State. Do you teach there?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Are you —- —- ?”

“Yes.”

I’ve removed his name here to protect his identity, because you cannot look on USU’s website and go through the faculty that teach in the Computer Science department and figure out which one has curly hair and has a name that rhymes with a scheme for doing something revolting*, or what you might do to another person to annoy them**, or the description of someone who is really, really passionate about masonry***, or a law that prohibits people from using a naked finger to remove debris from their nose****, or that really sweet ride that Frankie (aka Summer George) got for Jerry Seinfeld*****.

So anyway, I pointed out that I know him because I took a class from him.  He asked just enough to see if I’d made anything with my life, which pretty much means, did I become a software engineer in the field of artificial intelligence, which is his passion.  And since I just became the kind of software engineer that actually makes money, he quickly lost interest.

At this point his face clearly said, “Go away.”  So I did.  I mean, I had to sit next to him for the rest of the flight.  But I tried not to touch him.

Sheesh dude, it isn’t like I was trying to get your autograph or anything.

*sick plan
**flick man
***brick fan
****pick ban
*****trick van

matt Humor Career, Humor, Programming, Travel