Seeping Matter

So I just finished some online banking and stepped away for a moment.  When I came back I clicked the Logout button and got an error message saying this:

Your request can not be completed because your Web Access session has expired. Please click OK and login again.

So let me get this straight.

I cannot log out because my login has expired.

This means that I am effectively logged out.

What I should do is log in again.

Then I will be able to log out.

Did I get understand that correctly?

The game Forza Motorsport 2 took a step towards greatness tonight when it helped me answer that question you and I have both been wondering about our whole lives:  What would it be like to drive a 700HP blown Aston Martin V12 Vanquish in a demolition derby?

Answering difficult questions is one of the main things that great video games do.

As far as I’m concerned, a great video game is supposed to allow you to make virtual people do things that you would never do personally in real life.  By this I don’t just mean “fight aliens” either.  I also mean things like “fight aliens using only a chainsaw.”  Fighting aliens using only a chainsaw is not a recommended activity for a living person, because the aliens are likely to shoot you with too many fireballs before you can get close enough to saw them.  But I think it is a great thing for a virtual person to do.

Some people disagree with this assertion.  They want video games to resemble actual life.  These are the kind of people who do not have a real life and so they obtain a Second Life.  They grade games based on how “realistic” they are.

Not me.  The point of playing a video game is to escape reality, not create more reality.  The point of playing a video game is to answer difficult questions, the kind that cannot be answered in reality.

Here are some very key questions that, thanks to video games, we have the answers to:

• Is it possible to obtain victory in a military conflict without actually harvesting any vespene gas or training any combat units?
  • Answer:  Yes — at least if you are a Protoss.  Simply build a forge and then overwhelm the enemy with a plethora of photon cannons.  (StarCraft)
• What do you do when a new neighbor moves in next door, paints the entire house black, and goes about the neighborhood wearing a black fisherman’s poncho and sporting a handheld fish hook, looking eerily exactly like the villain in “I Know What You Did Last Summer”?
  • Answer:  You walk over, greet him, and invite yourself inside.  (The Sims)
• What happens when you run into oncoming traffic in a firetruck going around 80 mph?
  • Answer:  Most cars go flying out of your way.  (Grand Theft Auto 3)
• Can Chad Reed win Glen Helen on my KX 250?
  • Answer:  Yes; in fact, he has done so in convincing fashion many times, despite some pretty wicked crashes.  (Motocross Madness 2)
• What is the shortest possible street circuit of any consequence that you can have in London?
  • Answer:  Start in front of the National Gallery.  Drive as fast as you can around Trafalgar Square, back in front of the National Gallery again.  This circuit is known as “Tinier Tim.”  (Project Gotham Racing 3)

I’ve said before, and reaffirm here, that some characteristics of good computer games are to a) allow user generated content and b) allow you to play the game in an alternate way.  These traits, along with c) CHEAT CODES, are very helpful if a video game is going to help answer difficult questions.  As examples, consider the Project Gotham Racing series.  PGR3 includes a track editor.  PGR4 does not.  So, despite having many more tracks and cars, PGR4 will never attain the level of excellentness that PGR3 has attained.  And consider The Sims, an otherwise horrible game.  But it is possible to create neighborhoods with rich coeds and mass murderers and really pathetically poor people, and then run their lives in evil, twisted, masochistic ways.  And Sim Survivor, don’t forget!  Finally, let’s not underestimate the significance of the phrase “give us a tank” to the success of Grand Theft Auto 3!

Forza Motorsport 2 is a driving simulator, and it seems pretty intent on achieving a high degree of realism.  This isn’t exactly a sin, but why would I be interested in driving a Ford Focus in a simulation?  Driving a Ford Focus cannot possibly be fun in real life; how could it be fun in virtual life?

This is a major drawback, until you start winning and earning credits.  Suddenly, you can do some fun things, like buy a virtual car that looks exactly like your real 2003 Nissan 350Z, but then add every upgrade so now your Z is a 215mph race car.

Or you can answer the question that’s been plaguing you for ages, “What would it be like to drive a 700HP blown Aston Martin V12 Vanquish in a demolition derby?”  Since, admirably, Forza Motorsport 2 allows you to drive backwards (unlike some ultra-lame racing games), you can easily answer this question for yourself.

(If you are confused, “backwards” means “around the track in the opposite direction”, which is something that is obviously awesome, not “driving in reverse”, which is something that is only arguably awesome.)

True, it lacks cheat codes and user-generated content.  I’m not allowed to really excellent things, like drive my car into the grandstands (all possible in Motocross Madness 2).  So Forza Motorsport 2 may never achieve true greatness.  But the ability to drive backwards is definitely a step in the right direction.

I stopped in at the Texaco today for gasoline, a car wash, and windshield wiper fluid.  I pay cash now (more on this later) so I went into the store to pay for the other two things and prepay for my gas.

The car wash and wiper fluid totaled $10.41.

Me:  I also need some gas on pump #7.  I’ll pay you $30 so just put the rest towards gas.

Teller Lady:  Uh…

Me:  (looking at the register sub-total)  … So in other words, I want $19.59 in gas.

Teller Lady:  (punches a bunch of numbers on the register)

Teller Lady:  Okay.  Wow, you were so close!  It’s actually $19.59 in gas.

Yes, I was close.  In fact, it would be hard to be any closer.

Once upon a time, there was a nice young man named AMA Superbike.  He really looked up to his big brother, named World.  In fact, AMA really wanted to grow up to be just like World.  So he tried to emulate his big brother in every way.

His big brother had some great friends, with names like Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, and Kawasaki.  AMA also made friends with these people.

World was really into motorcycle racing.  AMA was really into motorcycle racing too.

World Superbike worked with his friends Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, and Kawasaki to create a racing series based on 600cc and 1000cc production sport bikes.  This helped his friends to produce more powerful, better handling, higher quality motorcycles for their customers.  And it helped World create a great racing series that racing fans not only loved but could identify with, because they knew they could go out and buy bikes almost just like those to ride themselves.  When AMA saw how great the World Superbike racing series was, AMA worked with those same friends to create a racing series too.  The AMA Superbike racing series was great also.

Everything was great.  World Superbike had a great racing series, and so did AMA Superbike.  World Superbike had millions of great fans, and so did AMA Superbike; in fact, they shared many of the same fans.  World Superbike had many great riders, and so did AMA Superbike; in fact, some riders used to move from one series to the other.

Then, one day on his way home from school, AMA met a very bad person named DMG.

At first, he tried not to be friends with DMG.  After all, he knew DMG’s reputation.  He knew that DMG was responsible for turning NASCAR stock car racing, which used to race cars that were actually based on stock cars, into such a pathetic form of racing that it was the laughing stock of the auto racing world.

But DMG was persistent and persuasive.  DMG kept telling AMA that it wouldn’t hurt to be friends.  DMG kept saying how many fans NASCAR had, and conveniently avoided the fact that most NASCAR fans are drunk redneck alcoholics that don’t even pay attention to the race.  DMG kept saying how many racers NASCAR had, and conveniently avoided the fact that none of them really had that much racing talent.

AMA knew he should not be friends with DMG.  But despite knowing better, he gave into temptation.  He started hanging out with DMG even though he knew he shouldn’t.

World said he should not do this.  ”Don’t be fooled by DMG,” said World.  ”He doesn’t know anything about racing — especially motorcycle racing.  He will ruin your life!”

Suddenly, AMA reacted in a way he never had before.  ”You are not the boss of me!” he shouted.  ”You can’t tell me what to do!  I can do whatever I want!”

AMA stormed out of the house.  With nowhere to go, he went over to DMG’s house.  ”Wow, World must not be that good of a friend to treat you that way,” said DMG sympathetically.  ”I would never treat you that way.”

“What should I do?” asked AMA.  ”I don’t understand why World doesn’t want us to be friends.”

DMG replied, “He just doesn’t appreciate you.  You’re better than him!  Trust me.  You don’t need that dumb old World Superbike!  I’ll show you how to make a really great racing series!”

Unfortunately, AMA listened to DMG.  He changed his entire racing series from a proven successful formula to something most of his former fans now refer to as NASBike.  He turned his back on his friends like Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, and Kawasaki.  In fact, once he moved away from World Superbike and started hanging out with DMG, Honda said that he could not be friends with AMA anymore.  AMA’s three-time champion left to race for World instead, and AMA’s former seven-time champion said he wouldn’t race anymore if AMA didn’t quit being friends with DMG.  A year later, he retired for good.

Despite all of this, AMA wouldn’t stay away from DMG.  Before, AMA looked up to World and wanted to be like him; now, for some reason AMA thought he was better than World, and felt for some reason like this was important.  So AMA wouldn’t race at the best tracks if World was also there at the same time.  AMA would sometimes wait a month or more to show television coverage of their races.  And the new race format was so confusing and ridiculous that nobody could understand it.

Before too long, everyone who used to be friends with AMA forgot about him.  Everyone except DMG.  Everyone else forgot about him, because he forgot about all of them.  They all just became friends with World instead, and forgot that AMA was even there anymore.

And that was how AMA went from being awesome to nothing in just one year.  And he lived miserably ever after.  The End.

Moral

The moral of this story is:  DMG bites.

Update:

I sent a link to this post to the AMA with the following message:

To Whom It May Concern:

Thought you might be interested to read my latest blog post on AMA Pro Road Racing (http://blog.mvryan.org/2009/10/the-sad-tale-of-ama-superbike-a-bedtime-fable/), which was written not so much as a bash session, but more as an interesting retrospective.
I learned one very interesting thing about myself writing it.  I’ve lived in Utah for over 9 years.  I’ve attended every single AMA Supercross in Salt Lake, as well as others nearby.  I’ve attended every AMA and World Superbike event at Miller Motorsports Park since the track opened.  I watch every AMA Supercross, AMA Motocross, World Superbike, MotoGP, and Formula One race on TV.  You could say I’m a racing fan.
I also used to watch every AMA road racing event on TV.  That is, up until this year.  I watched the first event, but when I couldn’t make any sense of the classes, had to wait for (sometimes several) weeks to watch the events on TV, and when you refused to come to Miller’s this year, I completely lost interest.
That’s what I found interesting:  Between you and DMG, you messed it up so much, in fact, that I, a true racing fan, completely forgot the series was even going on.  Note, I did not actively choose to boycott in protest of the changes.  The changes you made had the effect of causing me to lose interest.  I don’t care about the series anymore – it is as uninteresting to me as a club racing series in another part of the country.
So there’s some feedback for you.  If your intent was to gain fans, well, it seems what you did was exactly the opposite.

I’ll let you know if I hear from them.

So Amber and I are waiting at Salt Lake International for our flights to Seattle, and I see this guy walk in front of me. I leaned over to Amber and said, “That guy right there looks a lot like an old college professor I had. The one right there with the curly hair. I wonder if it is him.”

I didn’t say anything though, until later on the plane, where as luck would have it his seat was right next to mine. After we both sat down, I said, “You look like someone I know.”

“I doubt it,” he said.

That’s a weird thing to say, because how could he possibly who all of the people that I know are, and what they look like? And whether I think one of them looks like him? But whatever.

“Yeah, well, I had a college professor that looked a lot like you.”

“Oh, really? What school?”

“Utah State. Do you teach there?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Are you —- —- ?”

“Yes.”

I’ve removed his name here to protect his identity, because you cannot look on USU’s website and go through the faculty that teach in the Computer Science department and figure out which one has curly hair and has a name that rhymes with a scheme for doing something revolting*, or what you might do to another person to annoy them**, or the description of someone who is really, really passionate about masonry***, or a law that prohibits people from using a naked finger to remove debris from their nose****, or that really sweet ride that Frankie (aka Summer George) got for Jerry Seinfeld*****.

So anyway, I pointed out that I know him because I took a class from him.  He asked just enough to see if I’d made anything with my life, which pretty much means, did I become a software engineer in the field of artificial intelligence, which is his passion.  And since I just became the kind of software engineer that actually makes money, he quickly lost interest.

At this point his face clearly said, “Go away.”  So I did.  I mean, I had to sit next to him for the rest of the flight.  But I tried not to touch him.

Sheesh dude, it isn’t like I was trying to get your autograph or anything.

*sick plan
**flick man
***brick fan
****pick ban
*****trick van

To protect the guilty I am omitting names, but I was signing up for something, from someone, the other day, and they sent me to a web page with this agreement. Notice the highlighted part:

Who Reads This Whole Thing? I Mean, Besides Me.

Not long ago we went to visit the new dinosaur museum in Vernal, Utah.  That’s what everyone around there calls it – the new dinosaur museum, to disambiguate from the previous dinosaur museum, which is not there anymore.

However, the naming committee for the new dinosaur museum had a different idea:

The Official Name of the New Dinosaur Museum

It’s a Field House!  And a Park!  And a Museum!

I can imagine the meeting for this:

John:  Hello everyone, I’m John.  I’ve been asked by the new dinosaur museum people to moderate this committee, because I have no spine.

Everyone except Steve:  (sigh of relief)

Steve:  (rolls eyes because he is bored out of his skull and is only here because they thought they should invite the general contractor)

John:  Any ideas for the name?

Sally:  Well, I don’t like the name “Dinosaur Museum,” because it might also have something in it that is not a dinosaur, like a restroom.  Plus I don’t believe in dinosaurs.  But I do like museums.

Rick:  Well, I think the word “Utah” should be included in the name, since we’re building it in Utah… (checks map) … yeah.

Meredith:  Isn’t this officially a state park?  I think it should say state park.

Nancy:  I thought it was a field house.

Meredith:  No, I think it is a state park.

Rick:  What makes you think it is a field house?

Meredith:  Well, it is a building, which is like a house, built in a field.

Rick:  Oh, yeah.  Good point.

Carl:  How about “Natural History” instead of “Dinosaur”?  I mean, dinosaurs are part of history, and so is going to the bathroom.

Sally:  Yeah, that sounds really great.

Steve:  (sarcastically)  Great ideas everyone.  Why don’t we just combine them all and call it “Utah Field House of Natural History State Park Museum?”  Win-Win!

Everyone:  Hmm.  Yes, that is a wonderful name.

Steve:  (realizes the meeting might be over and doesn’t let anyone know he was joking)

John:  Steve, is the building big enough to accommodate that name?

Steve:  No, but we can easily just make it bigger.

John:  Well, then I think we are done here!  Great work everyone!

Going through old pictures on my phone and I found this one:

Happy Unbirthday Chris Cantera.

A few months ago while I was still at Mozy, Chris Cantera (pictured), Mozy’s new Director of Engineering (and my boss) had just started and took his engineering organization out to lunch, but when we got there he remembered that he had not applied for his corporate AmEx yet, and so he wouldn’t be able to pay for lunch (Mozy’s pretty strict about this stuff).  I had mine, so I volunteered to pay.

I wanted to pay, because I understand that he who pays has the true power.

Towards the end of the meal, I stopped the waitress and asked her if she would mind bringing Chris a drink in a child’s cup, and perhaps would they sing Happy Birthday to him.  He immediately resisted strongly.  The waitress was a bit undecided about how to proceed.  Chris pulled the boss card out, and said, “No, I’m the boss, and I say no to the Happy Birthday singing.”  So I pulled out the AmEx card and said, “Well, I’m the one paying the tip, and I say yes to the Happy Birthday singing.”

Needless to say, I won.  Here’s Chris with his happy, cute birthday cup.  Happy Unbirthday Chris.

Our family is on vacation this week. “Vacation” for us mostly means that Dad is not at work. We rarely travel anywhere, because we are lame.

Often what we do instead is take little day trips hither and yon in Utah, and we pretend we are tourists visiting Utah, and we go and see all the things tourists would see.

Anyway, since the new Oquirrh Mountain LDS Temple is finished and available for touring before the dedication later this summer, we thought it would be good to take our kids through the open house.  Amber and I of course can go to the temple whenever we like, or at least whenever we can find the time.  But the kids can’t go until they’re older, so we thought it would be a great experience for them.

It didn’t exactly agree with Oakley’s (my 20 month old) personality though.  Here’s a rough timeline:

12:30 p.m.:  We gently wake Oakley up from his nap.  He is such a good natured little angel.  He will love to see the temple because he still remembers heaven.

12:35 p.m.:  We put Oakley in the car.  He throws a fit because he wants to run and play outside.  He must not know we are going to the temple.

1:20 p.m.:  We arrive a few minutes early for the temple.  Oakley is glad to get out and see the temple.

1:21 p.m.:  We walk to the tent to wait for our turn to go in.  Oakley throws a fit.  He probably wants to be able to stay outside and look at the temple.

1:30 p.m.:  The movie begins.  Oakley wants to try to sit in every single chair in the meeting room in the tent.  He throws a fit when I won’t let him.

1:31 p.m.:  Oakley’s fit has become so loud that people are looking at us.  I do not want us to be that family.  Amber takes Oakley to the back of the room.

1:42 p.m.:  We walk to the temple.  Oakley is glad.

1:43 p.m.:  We enter the temple.  Oakley throws a fit.

1:45 p.m.:   We are quietly walking through the temple and looking around.

1:45:01 p.m.:  Oakley screams to see what the echo sounds like.

1:46 p.m.:  We pause to look through the glass at the baptismal font.

1:46:01 p.m.:  We have to move on because Oakley is banging on the glass.

1:47 p.m.:  Oakley throws a fit because we won’t let him go and play in the baptismal font.

1:49 p.m.:  Oakley throws a fit and insists on walking up all the stairs by himself.

1:53 p.m.:  Oakley gets mad when we won’t let him run off and explore the temple by himself.

1:55 p.m.:  We come to the Celestial Room.  I tell the kids to stop for a minute and quietly listen to feel the special feeling in the Celestial Room.

1:55:09 p.m.:  Oakley throws a screaming fit because we won’t let him run around the Celestial Room.  Amber leaves early to take him out into the hall.

1:55:15 p.m.:  The rest of us feel bad that Mom is out in the hall by herself so we leave early also.

1:58 p.m.:  We arrive at the sealing room and find a seat to wait for the presentation.

1:58:13 p.m.:  Oakley gets off his seat and wants to try to sit on the others.

1:58:16 p.m.:  Oakley gets mad and screams at me because I won’t let Oakley stand on those pretty white chairs with his shoes.

1:58:20 p.m.:  The presentation begins.

1:58:21 p.m.:  Oakley tries to escape our row and run around the sealing room but I won’t let him.

1:58:25 p.m.:  The presenters start speaking louder.

1:58:28 p.m.:  Oakley throws a screaming fit because I won’t let him leave our row.

1:58:31 p.m.:  I get after Oakley and tell him to be quiet.

1:58:32 p.m.:  Oakley starts crying in his loud, mournful cry, drowning out the presentation.

1:58:35 p.m.:  I have to take Oakley out of the sealing room into the hall.

2:02 p.m.:  The rest of my family comes out of the sealing room.

2:02:06 p.m.:  Amber and I decide it is time to finish the tour, much quicker than we wanted.

2:05 p.m.:  We get out of the temple.  Oakley gets a cookie.  He is happy to be outside.

People make fun of Utah drivers, for good reason.  But sometimes it isn’t our fault.

Two Detour Signs at the Same Intersection - One Points Off-Road Into a Fruit Orchard