Seeping Matter

I got an interesting e-mail the other day from Novell:

Please Note: You have been sent this email because you are listed as an administrator of one or more Novell Forge projects.

When Novell Forge was first launched Novell recognized the need for a site dedicated to providing hosting services to a growing number of software development projects, many supporting our open source initiatives. Novell Forge quickly grew and was soon providing these service to nearly 1000 such projects. Demand for new projects has all but disappeared during the past two years while a number of additional project hosting options have begun that can provide a similar set of services to those of Novell Forge.

Now that there are many other options, Novell can turn its focus to other areas and pass the project hosting responsibilities to these other dedicated hosting sites. Novell will be decommissioning the Novell Forge system on December 15, 2009.

This is interesting to me because it is not entirely true.  I should know, because without me there would never have been a Novell Forge.

It’s a bold statement, I know.  It’s one I’m happy to explain.

I came to Novell from IBM in 2000.  It didn’t take long to realize that Novell’s developer story and strategy, or rather the complete lack thereof, was (and still is) a significant weakness in their overall execution.  People buy a computer operating system in large part because of the applications that they can run on it; if a business wants to run a CRM system, they’ll want to be sure that whatever platform they buy will run a CRM suite that is acceptable to them.  This is why having a strong developer strategy is crucial to platform providers, and almost everyone seems to understand this.  Novell certainly should; NetWare owned the x86 server market in the 80′s and early 90′s until Microsoft entered that market.  Initially, the Microsoft offering was not necessarily better than NetWare in terms of stability or performance, but Microsoft definitely outgunned Novell when it came to applications.  It was so much easier to create applications for Microsoft’s platform that their supported portfolio dwarfed Novell’s, and that was a significant key to dethroning Novell’s dominant position in the x86 server market in the mid 90′s.

Anyway, when I came to Novell and learned this, I thought that probably Novell’s Developer Services organization just didn’t know what to do (a mistaken analysis, I later learned) and if I worked there I could probably fix everything.  I was pretty young, arrogant, and naive then.  But in 2002 I was presented an opportunity to work in Developer Services and I took it.

One of the first things I was asked to do was to provide support to customers programming to eDirectory.  I decided to try to learn more about how to do this the same way our third-party developers would, by using the resources that were available online.  I found what appeared to be our authoritative how-to-program-to-eDirectory tutorial, got most of the way through my sample app, and got stuck.  Finally I started asking questions.  I quickly learned that everything I’d been doing was wrong; the authoritative documentation was incorrect.  It used an out-of-date and deprecated API and was no longer considered best practice.  It was some two or three years out of date, but hadn’t been changed yet because changing the documentation was just too painful.

I felt this situation was unacceptable.  We needed the freedom to create an abundance of rich and helpful developer content and to have it published and updated freely and frequently.  We needed to be able to do this without going through drawn-out and tedious approval processes and staging phases for even minor edits.  We needed to be able to continuously deliver not only whitepapers but tutorials and sample applications.  I felt that what was needed was a complete overhaul of Novell’s developer site, converting it into a web application where administrators (Novell Developer Services employees) could update the content and have complete control over what information was being provided to our developer community.

I discussed this with a colleague and my manager, and then we called a formal meeting to discuss this proposal.  I think there were four Developer Services employees in the room.  As we discussed the reasons to do this, other advantages surfaced.  A key issue was that, in Novell’s then-existing developer forums, many Novell developers were already contributing to solving each other’s problems, including answering each other’s questions and even sharing code, from small snippets to complete applications.  We realized that instead of top-down support flowing from company to customer, what our customers really preferred was community support with Novell as an active participant.  As we discussed this, one of my colleagues suggested that instead of writing the web app I suggested, we should do a project hosting site, like SourceForge.  Such a site would allow us to participate as a community with our users to exchange sample code, documentation, tutorials, and other content.  Novell Forge was born.

As we began to socialize the idea, we found out that a separate group within Novell had been tasked with creating a project hosting site for internal company use.  When we both became aware of each other’s goals, the synergies were obvious and it seemed apparent that we should try to coordinate our efforts.  Interestingly, we had human resources to give to the project but lacked funding for capital expenses; the other group had capital expense budget but lacked human resources.  Ultimately we agreed that, as my team developed the Novell Forge solution, we would also develop an internal-use version of the site to meet the goals of this team; in exchange, they would help us to get the hardware we needed to host Novell Forge.

Around the time Novell Forge was launched and completed, a number of people involved directly or indirectly from that team claimed credit for having launched Novell Forge.  Some of them were quite handsomely rewarded by the company, presumably at least in part due to their claimed credit for the site.  Others still claim in public that they are responsible for the site even though they had absolutely nothing to do with the conceptualization, proposal, approval, or implementation.

Meanwhile, those of us who did come up with the idea, who did make the business case and get the approval and deliver the site, well, we pretty much had to settle for a brief pat on the back from Novell.  Or did we even get that?  Anyway.

Novell Forge, despite its pretty lame name and humble beginnings, was actually quite well received by the press.  It earned kudos for Novell from Dave Kearns of NetworkWorld, which was not exactly easy to come by.  And as Novell tried to reinvent itself with an open source focus, purchasing such open source companies as Ximian and SUSE Linux, the existence of Novell Forge was frequently cited as evidence that Novell was serious about an open source strategy (example).  Interest in the site grew quickly and it soon hosted over 1000 external projects, as stated in the e-mail I quoted above.  My team was excited about the traction the site was gaining.  We had many, many ideas for how to grow the site and make it an even more useful tool for software developers.  We had more work to do than time to do it, and it was neat to feel like what we were doing had an impact to Novell.

Even though Novell didn’t seem to care about it.

Oddly, in spite of what my team thought was a pretty obvious success, we could not get approval for funding to continue to promote the site.  The team was gradually reduced in size, again and again.  When people would leave, their vacancies would languish unfilled until that position was eventually lost.  The team was instructed to not develop the site but instead to work on undefined new work in other undefined areas, wasting many person-years of development effort.  The community could sense Novell’s lack of investment and they lost interest.  Novell Forge became a laughing stock.  It was used as evidence of what a company does when they “just don’t get” open source, when it was ironically used as evidence of Novell’s good faith not too long before.

Things finally came to the point where there was only one employee assigned to maintain the site, along with other unrelated duties (I, and the rest of the team, had by now been reassigned to different projects).  Novell Forge was completely unsupported by Novell’s IT group, leaving instead the support of the site to this one individual.  I recall an occasion where the site went down over the weekend and was out for a couple of days.  It was obvious that the site was in demand, because users made Novell aware of the outage quite quickly.  However, Novell was not willing to pay for 24/7 support for the site, so instead of being brought back online right away, the site was down for the entire weekend until that resource came in to work the next Monday.  My manager brought this to the attention of our team with the insistence that we address it.  He stated that from that point on, that one employee would be the primary off-hours maintenance person for the site, and I would be the backup.

I then asked if Novell was going to start reimbursing me for my cell phone bill.  He said no.  I asked if they were going to buy me an additional cell phone, pay that bill, and also pay me extra to carry that additional phone.  He said no.  He said they would just list my personal cell number in the emergency contact list, and would call it if there were an emergency.  I stated that in that case I maintained the right to not answer.  He stated that I would have to answer, that it was my assignment.  I claimed that Novell could not require me to answer my personal cell phone if I’m the one paying the bill.  I then reminded him that in Novell’s support organization, at least at that time, people that were expected to respond 24/7 had their cell phone bill paid by Novell, were paid an additional amount to be on call, and were paid an additional amount if they actually took a call and worked that call during off hours.  I said, “If the site is important to Novell, that is what Novell should do.  If the site is important, it should be important enough that Novell is willing to pay in order to maintain uptime and keep our customers satisfied.”

Novell was not willing to pay.

I shortly moved on to a different team within Novell, and the other guy left the company altogether.  I’m not sure who has been maintaining the site since then.

What Novell chooses to do with their money and their human resources is their business.  This isn’t meant as a criticism; I don’t claim to have the right experience to criticize their decision to strangle Novell Forge to death.  This is simply meant as a statement of fact, and the facts are pretty clear:

• You get what you pay for.
• Novell did not pay for Novell Forge by giving due reward and recognition to those who truly brought this idea to the company.
• Novell did not pay for Novell Forge by feeding its success with additional funding, promotion, and development.
• Novell did not pay for Novell Forge by giving it the kind of support and maintenance that its customers expected.
• The customers of Novell Forge were initially enthusiastic, but grew to sense the lack of commitment by the company and thus stopped participating.
• Novell Forge died as a result.

Novell Forge may be planned for decommission this December, but it died years ago.  And don’t think you can fool me, Novell.  Novell Forge did not die because of lack of interest by the user community.  Novell Forge died because you did not care about it.  Whether that was a good decision or not is not for me to decide, but please, Novell, at least be honest with your community.  We did not kill Novell Forge — you did.

UPDATE:  Dan Reese, a member of my team back then, corroborated this in his blog.

I joined my first frequent flyer program when I started working for IBM. Before then I did not really do any business travel. But when I first went to IBM I had to travel to New York just a couple of months later, and I joined the United Airlines frequent flyer program, since I was working in Boulder, and DIA is a United hub.

When I got back from New York, I had somewhere around 4000 miles in my account. Not “points” or “credits” – miles. I did some quick math and figured, “Gee, 4000 miles is enough for both Amber and I to fly round trip to Las Vegas! Let’s go!” So I called United to schedule the trip, at which point they carefully explained to me how stupid I was, because everyone knows you need at least 25000 miles to fly anywhere at all, and what was wrong with me anyway.

One day, I will meet the person who came up with this dumb scheme, and then I will spend the rest of my life in prison. Just kidding. I figure the jury will probably side with me.

Not long after this, I left IBM for Novell, and I also left those precious miles behind as I moved to Utah, where there is a Delta hub, and we are free to bestow upon United Airlines the loathing they deserve. I got a frequent flyer account with Delta instead. But I just wasn’t getting the miles. Traveling once or twice a year to San Francisco or Boston was just not doing the job.

Then one day my boss came and told me he needed me to go to Bangalore. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! At long last! A trip to Bangalore will accumulate nearly 25000 miles in a single trip! That’ll show ‘em!

I’ll tell you what – anyone who has to fly clear to Bangalore and back deserves a free flight.

So I had this nice little balance of, I think it was, 29000 miles. And then it was 30000. And then it was 32000. And all this time I could never actually get a chance to use the miles, because where am I going to fly by myself?

Two trips to Seattle this year bumped me up to 38000 exactly. My mom said if I ever went to Seattle again and wanted to take Amber, she’d watch the kids. And then my new boss at Microsoft asked me to go to TechReady in Seattle. All the stars aligned! I was finally going to get to use my miles!

Ah, if only it were so easy. I logged into Delta’s website to buy Amber’s ticket. What a shocker – the flight I needed Amber to take to come with me cost not 25000 miles, but 40000.

40000. And I had 38000.

I saw a link that said, “Transfer points from another rewards program.” One of the participating programs was the Starwood Preferred Guest program, which I’m also a member of, because the W hotels rule. It said that Starwood points convert 1 for 1 into Delta miles, so I logged into my Starwood account, and lo and behold, I had just under 2300 Starwood points! Hurrah!

Starwood told me you must transfer a minimum of 2500 points. Bummer.

I saw another link that said, “Purchase miles.” I did the calculation and saw that I could buy those 2000 miles for only about $60. The only bad thing was it said it could take up to 72 hours for the miles to be credited to my account – and I needed to leave in 70. I called Delta, to see if I could just buy the miles over the phone, and then book the flight. Alas, they could not do anything about it – 72 hours! Amazing – they are powerless!

The Delta rep suggested another approach. “Sign up for the Delta American Express card,” she said. “After you make your first purchase, your account is immediately credited with 20000 miles. You could sign up for the card today, get the card number, make an online purchase, get your 20000 miles, and then buy the flight with miles.” Ooh, that is a good idea.

So I had her transfer me to American Express. They also explained, “Yes, if you sign up, once you make your first purchase with the card, your Delta SkyMiles account will be immediately credited with 20000 miles.” Sweet! I signed up over the phone for the card. After I got done, the American Express rep said to me, “Your card should be there in about three weeks.” I said, “Okay. Can you please give me the card number now, so I can make a purchase with it today.”

“Uh, I can’t do that,” she replied.

“Well, I need to get those miles today, to use to book a flight, so I was told I could get the number and buy something online today, and get the miles.”

“Well, I can’t do that,” she explained. “And even if I could, you would not actually see those miles or be able to use them for about 6-8 weeks.”

This is a new definition of “immediately” that I am not familiar with. (However, now that I am aware of it, I plan to use it often. Amber: “Matt, will you please change Oakley’s diaper?” Me: “Sure babe, I’ll do that immediately.”)

Anyway, I got approved for the card, but I still was 2000 miles short. There was no way for me to book the flight with the 38000 miles and cover the difference. I had to take one flight in order to be in Seattle in time for a mandatory meeting, but the only way for me to put her on that flight was to pay cash. So I had to book her on a different flight, which meant she would fly out of Salt Lake four hours after I did.

Lame, Delta – lame.

Last weekend we had some visiting family at our house which was a load of fun.  Of course, the day before they came, I had to ask them whether they planned to eat at our home.

I have to ask this question because my aunt is my mom’s sister, so there is a chance that she will be like my mom.  My parents have a series of unwritten personal rules about travel.  They are not aware that they have these rules and so they can’t explain them to you.  I had to figure them out by observation.  Some of them include:

• You cannot drive more than 10 minutes without licorice.
• No visit may last longer than the time required to get there.
• Never drive at night.
• Never sleep at anyone else’s house.

Fortunately we do not live very far from my parents; otherwise, they would never, ever be able to visit.

Another rule is:

• Never eat anyone else’s food.

This rule took a while to figure out.  It was only after a number of parental visits, where we would plan a big meal and buy the supplies and prepare something delicious with enough for two extra adults and they would refuse to eat it, that we began to understand that this was a rule.

Finally my dad helped clarify things for me.  One day when they visited I asked if they would like to stay for dinner and my dad really said (no, I’m not kidding):  “No, we do not want to eat your food.”

To which I say, to each his own.  And also, more for me.  And also, your loss, because my wife makes foods of pure delectitude.  But at least now I know the real reason – they simply do not want to eat anything that we owned right up to the time it was served to them.

And this is why I had to ask.  They could have had some obscure, unwritten, subconscious rule about eating our food, like my parents do.  But apparently, our visitors of last week don’t have this rule.  Instead, it appears their rule is borrowed from Ted Theodore Logan:  “Party on, dudes!”  We look forward to having them come again.

And by that I mean, the interaction is dumb, not the user.  Since I was the user, I think that goes without saying.

Anyway, earlier this week AMEX sent me a survey request, since I used their tool at work to book travel to Seattle last week.  And since my back kept me awake all night before, I had a low tolerance for dumbness.  So I got this survey, and I thought I would share the answers.

Moral:  Don’t ask dumb questions.

I hope it helps them.

Wow, sometimes the pressure of my job is almost more than any reasonable person can stand.  And I’m feeling it now, because I just got a new boss.

I’m kinda like Michael Scott in this way, and many other ways.  For example, I’m incredibly funny.  And all of my employees really, really love me.  And I just got a new boss.  Unlike Michael Scott, I don’t have any plans to leave the company.

But I did stress out about this, in seriousness.  I mean, I’m so much like Michael Scott, probably my new boss would be just like Michael Scott’s new boss is, which is to say, a hardcore, emotionless freak.  Would he dislike me?  I mean, it is unthinkable – but who could dislike Michael Scott?  His new boss!

So I was totally freaking out by the time I got to work today, the day my new boss started work.  Oddly, my new boss isn’t much like Michael Scott’s.  In fact, he seems pretty cool.  He didn’t even get mad at me for coming to work late today.

No, what created the pressure was that Zach told Chris, my new boss, that he should read my blog.  Because, he said, it’s funny.

OHNO!!!

I have to think of something funny!  Something funny to put in my blog!  Today!  Under pressure!  Zach told Chris my blog is funny!  If I don’t type something funny, then he won’t know how funny I am!

Lame.  Zach, that was lame of you to put me in that situation, especially since you don’t have a blog of any consequence.  I mean, I’ve talked about my other boss, Luis, who wasn’t exactly my boss but is still my VP, on this blog.  He doesn’t actually know about my blog though so he never reads it.  But now surely Chris will read my blog since Zach told him it is so funny.  However, to be clear, I do not blame Chris, my new boss and the person in charge of my employment and livelihood, for this situation at all.  Not at all!  Chris is the smartest, hippest, coolest person I know on the face of the earth, with the possible exception of Luis, in case he reads this blog also!  And highly respected!  And smart!  Did I say smart?

Anyway, there’s nothing I can do about it now.  I have to think of something funny to write about.

Ah.  I have it.  I will tell the story about the funniest movie I ever saw, in college.  It deserves its own post.

How many times have you recounted an experience or confrontation to someone else, and as you are telling the story, you realize out loud, “You know what I should have said?  I should have told them…” and then you get a good laugh about it?  And then you go back and forth, figuring out even better ways to really put those other people in their place, and let them know what you really think!  And boy, is it funny!

Well, I must admit I’ve lost track of the number of times.  Last I remember it was about 323 or something.  I don’t know how high it is now.  And neither do you.  Stop counting.

Anyway, doing this helps you to practice for next time, so those witty sayings or sharp remarks are sitting there, right in your subconscious, ready to fly out next time, so you don’t have to even think about it.  Then afterwards, you won’t have to discuss what you should have said – you can discuss what you did say, and be the envy of all your friends.

I learned this today when I was at the store with my family.  We were waiting in line to buy some shoes.  We’d been waiting in line for quite a while and had been at the mall for probably two hours.  I was ready to go home.  We waited until we were next in line, and just as the people in front of us were finishing their purchase, another lady with her teenage daughter stepped up to the register with her shoes.  When the people in front of us left, this lady and her daughter stepped right in ahead of us and put their shoes on the counter.

All those years of practice paid off.  I thought, ‘There’s no way I’m going to let them just cut in front of me in line like that.  I’m gonna say something.’ And I did.  I said, “You must be in more of a hurry than I am.”

Yeah, I really did.  In front of my wife and my children.

As soon as it was coming out I realized that I really didn’t want to be rude, so I tried to smile and make it seem like I was trying to be lighthearted about it.  But it didn’t work.  The lady and her daughter were really embarrassed.  I could tell I’d really hurt them with that remark.  Of course, it was also embarrassing to my wife.  And I was embarrassed that I’d allowed myself to act that way.

I’m ashamed to say that I also didn’t wait to apologize to her afterward.  I wish I had stayed just outside the store and told her that I really wish I hadn’t said that and that I am sorry.  But I didn’t do that either.

I don’t know where I developed such a disdain for people.  I don’t know why I would speak like that to a person that Jesus Christ died to save.  I don’t know why I would automatically assume the worst about another person; surely I don’t actually think she would intentionally do that.  The only thing I can think of is that it came from all those years of practice, coming up with really good ways to get at other people.

It is a harsh awakening, realizing you are a jerk – not just kind of a jerk, but a real, disdainful, unfriendly, example-of-what-is-wrong-with-society kind of jerk.  I don’t like that version of myself.

So I’m going to try not to do that anymore.  From now on I’m going to try to assume the very best about people, and when I have that conversation with my friends afterwards, I’m going to try to figure out how much nicer I could have been than what I was.  I’m going to try to remember that every human soul is valuable and deserves the best kindness I can muster.  And hopefully that lady and her daughter will somehow know that I’m sorry.  Maybe she reads my blog.

Mozy is hiring.  I mean, Decho is hiring.  Decho is the silly name given to replace the awesome of Mozy.  We still call it Mozy, we can’t help it.

Anyway, we’re hiring.  Specifically, my team, the client team, is hiring.  And since Mozy decided to make me the manager of the Windows client team, that means I’m participating in the interviews.  This is stressing me out, because I feel like I am deciding the fate of people.

The process of getting hired at Mozy (arrgh, Decho) goes something like this:

• Apply and submit a resume.
• If we like your resume we will do a phone interview.
• If you do well in the phone interview we will bring you in for on-site interviews.
• If you do well in the on-site interviews we will assign you a homework assignment.
• If you do well on the homework and you are the best candidate we have for the position, there’s a decent chance you’ll get an offer.

Development work at Mozy is primarily done in C++.  Objective-C on the Mac side.  Pretty much you have to know C and C++ and/or Objective-C to get a development job, unless you want to work for the web team, using Ruby.  But those guys are kinda weird.  They sit on a different floor in the building and everything.  We’re not talking about those guys.

So during the phone screen, we ask you to rate yourself on C++.

We explain the rating scale like this:  0 means you are my father, waiting for this computer fad to go away, and you haven’t really heard of C++.  1 means you wrote Hello World in C++ once, and might be able to do it again today.  On the other end of the scale, 10 means your name is Bjarne Stroustrup, or maybe Herb Sutter or Andrei Alexandrescu.  9 means you have written books on C++; 8 means you could write a book on it, or teach courses on it.

Please, people.  Do not flatter yourself on the C++ scale.

I interviewed with Google once, over the phone.  They asked me this same question with pretty much the same scale, except they made no mention of my father.  I told them I was a 6 or a 7.  And I actually have taught courses on C++.

Lately we’re asking people this question and invariably we’re getting people saying, “Oh, based on that scale, I’m a 7 or an 8.”  Even kids in college.  Now I’m not saying that kids in college can’t be a 7 or an 8 – just, keep in mind, we’re not seeing a lot of true 7′s or 8′s among experienced professionals.  I’m just sayin’.

When you say in your interview, “I’m a 7 or an 8,” what you are telling me is this:  “I know C++ better than you.”  Now, you don’t probably know me personally, so hey, maybe you are better.  All I’m saying is, you’d better be ready to prove it when we bring you on-site.

For example, you’d better know at least most of this stuff:

• How to define a template class
• How to correctly define the assignment operator for a class
• How to overload the insertion and extraction operators for a class you define
• How to iterate over an STL vector
• Whether ++i is better, worse, or the same as i++, performance-wise, and why
• What methods the compiler will create for you if you don’t create them yourself, and the implications of this
• How to indicate in your developer contract whether a class is meant to be subclassed, which methods are overrideable, and how you insist that only subclasses can be instantiated
• How to specify default values for parameters

If you are a 7 or an 8, you probably should have read most of “The C++ Programming Language” and/or “Effective C++” and/or “Advanced C++” and/or a number of equivalents.  Having read “Design Patterns” would certainly help, although lately those have kinda lost their glimmer and so I don’t weigh on those like I used to.

Also:

• What const and mutable mean

Yeah.  const.  Don’t be like the self-proclaimed C++ expert I worked with at Enterasys Networks, who told the whole company he was the go-to guy for C++ questions, who, when asked, “Why does it say const after this method declaration?” replied, “Oh, they just do that a lot in C++; it doesn’t mean anything.”  Yeah.  Don’t be a doofus.

Don’t try to impress me by saying you are a 7 or an 8 if you aren’t.  Really – you don’t have to be a 7 or an 8 to get a job at Mozy (Decho…hrm).  If you say, “Oh, I’m probably a 5,” that tells me you are a good, solid C++ dude (or dudette, whatever) that knows how to write decent C++ applications.  You’ll probably get asked to come in for an interview anyway.

When we bring you in, it is my job (and Cody’s) to figure out how much of C++ you really know.  We will start out at the point you specified and go from there.  If you are really a 5 or a 6, but you said 7 or 8, you will feel like we’re being very brutal on you.  Hey, you are the one who said you knew your stuff.

Oh – one more thing.  Some of you experienced hires don’t think you should have to go through all of this to get a job with us.  Well, we make the rules.  Every one of us that works there has gone through it.  If you think the rules of Monopoly are dumb, nobody’s gonna think bad of you if you decide not to play.  But if you want to play but not follow the rules, well, don’t be too surprised if people take issue with that.  If you’re gonna try to work at Moz – uh, Decho, at least for my team, just go through the process like everyone else.

Okay, I feel better.  Whew.  Oh, and by the way, if you really are a 7 or an 8 (or better), I have a link for you.

We spent last weekend in Roosevelt, where I grew up, and where my family still lives.  For example, my brother lives there.  He can live there and enjoy it, because he is a cool person.  He was cool in high school.  He was cool growing up.  He has this aura of coolness about him, bestowed upon him by the Rooseveltians.  Thus, he can live in Roosevelt his whole life and be the person he wishes to be – because of his coolness, the Rooseveltians have granted him this right.

So, we went there to visit.  It was a good visit.  My brother has a pretty awesome home theater in his house, because he is coolness.  So I took my Queensrÿche Operation:Livecrime DVD with me on the trip, and we rocked that puppy.  Yeah, that was very much how I remember it, having experienced it myself during the Promised Land tour in 1995, I think, which was my first ever concert, and basically spoiled me for life.  It seems to me that they played Mindcrime all the way through start to finish and it was beyond incredible.

So now, I have the DVD, and I can experience a watered-down version of it myself, on my low-def TV at home with crappy speakers, or on my car’s awesome stereo with no video.  Or I can experience it again at my brother’s house, which was Awesome.

Going home to visit is often interesting.  My wife and I usually end up having some sort of conversation on the way back on the topic of Under What Conditions Might We Consider Moving To Roosevelt.  See, since she gets along well with my brother’s wife, and I get along well with my brother, it might be fun, right?  So, for example, maybe we would consider it!  If I was independently wealthy, because I wouldn’t be able to get a decent job there in my profession.  And if we could afford to come to the Wasatch Front every so often, because, you know, sushi.  No sushi in Roosevelt – they have not heard of this yet.  Oh, and the weather.  And nothing to do.

But seriously, I’ve never felt comfortable about this.  And I think I finally figured out why.  It has to do with the gifts of the Rooseveltians, or lack thereof.  They bestowed the gift of coolness upon my brother.  Now he can be whomever he likes.  As for me, contrariwise, well, they never bestowed this gift upon me.  There is a certain persona I’m required to fill by the Rooseveltians, which I really don’t like.  I realized after I left that place that I didn’t like that person, the person they convinced me I was when I lived there.

That’s why I don’t want to move back. I don’t tolerate other people telling me what or who I am anymore. I define myself.

It’s time I started acting like a grown-up.

Well, generally I do anyway – that is why my life is so boring.  But I figure it’s time I start acting more like a grown-up professional, not some fly-by-night lame-o.  So I’m gonna try setting up my blog here under my own domain.

It’s gonna be hard.  I’ve had a blog at halfbadboy.blogspot.com for quite a while now and there’s a lot of stuff there.  It will be hard to get both of my followers to change their habits and follow me here instead.  But it has to be done.  Let’s face it – I’m not really a half bad boy.  I mean, I try, but I’m kidding myself.  A lot of the stuff I want to write about doesn’t fit there, anyway.  And I’ve been trying to have multiple blogs – that is just not working.

So it’s time to consolidate everything to one place.  I’ll let you know when the transfer is complete.  Of course, nobody’s actually reading this blog yet, so I guess it doesn’t matter much yet.  But someday, it will!

Ah, MLMs. Golden opportunities for average joes like you and me to work like crazy to make other people rich. But other than that, not much at all like a legitimate business.

The curse of Mozy is to rent office space next door to an MLM company. Granted, this is not too difficult in Utah County, MLM capital of the world. Still, it makes one wonder what evil the founder may have done for Mozy to be cursed so.

Us on the bottom floor of the new Mozy building have the distinct privilege of sharing the floor with an MLM company, whose name will be withheld here synergistically to protect them, where “privilege” is like unto the privilege that Braveheart experienced to be disemboweled in public as penitence for his sin of wanting to be left alone, much like us.

MLMs are built upon the premise of getting rich without having to do anything. Everything is about appearance and affluence with MLMs. As I type we’ve got people pulling up in their rented black Mercedes or BMW to come in to yet another open house and try to impress each other. These guys act like they own the whole building, because that is part of the image they are trying to put forth. They are right this moment holding yet another open house which consumes the entire main entrance and main entrance foyer. This is done without any announcement, let alone request for permission, to the other tenants in the building – certainly not those of us on the main floor who share the foyer, entryway, elevators and bathroom. In fact, they are the smallest tenant in the building, but they act like they own the whole thing.

So it is really no surprise, especially to those familiar with Mozy culture, that someone finally had enough the other day and posted a little 8 1/2 x 11 picture comparing regular MLM-style magic juice with “Mozy juice” in such manner that the people across the hall could read it, if they walked up close enough. It is true that the sign made reference to magic juice, special berries picked by monk children high in the mountains in the early morning, and pyramid schemes in general. It did not mention our neighbors by name or necessarily even imply that they were related at all.
Actually the sign is pretty funny.

So I walk out the door for the purpose of conducting natural personal waste removal, and I’m accosted by a representative of said neighbor, demanding in polite tone that I take the sign down. So from here on, I’m going to describe the confrontation, which proves that we are jerks, although I do freely admit that I may be making some of this up.

Neighbor Enraged, Requiring Discipline: Hey, I’d like you to please take that sign down, it is offensive.
Me: What sign?
NERD: (pointing to the sign) That sign you guys posted attacking our company. It is disrespectful and offensive. I don’t know why you would put something like that up, and I would like you to take it down.
Me: Well, I wasn’t even aware that the sign was there until just now. I don’t even know what it says.
NERD: It is offensive to our company. I would take it down myself, but I can’t because it is taped on the other side of a window and the door is locked.
Me: So, if the door wasn’t locked, you would just walk into our part of the building and take it down? You believe that if the sign is offensive that gives you the right to walk into our part of the building, where we are creating and discussing trade secrets and intellectual property, and take the sign down because you don’t like it?
NERD: Well, I would just like you to take it down.
Me: You have a pretty big display of stuff inside your office doors. Some of those displays might be offensive to me. Should I just walk in there and take down whatever offends me also?
NERD: No. Alright. I wouldn’t just walk into your part of the building. Will you take the sign down please?
Me: Well, I didn’t put the sign up. It would be presumptuous of me to assume I can just take it down without consulting with whomever put it up in the first place.
NERD: You mean you can’t just take it down?
Me: No. I can communicate your temper tantrum within the company and see if whomever put it up wants to remove it.
NERD: I don’t see why you can’t just remove it. It’s disrespectful.
Me: You know what is disrespectful? You guys, holding your big open houses in the foyer of the building all the time. You invite people in, you take over the entryway and the entire lobby, which are all public areas of the building, but you treat them like they belong only to you. You make it so we don’t feel comfortable even using our own restroom or walking out our own front door.
NERD: Well, I’m really sorry we do that.
Me: No offense, but you are apologizing as a part of trying to get me to do you a favor. I have no way of knowing whether you really mean it or not.
NERD: I still don’t understand why you won’t just take the sign down.
Me: For reasons that I cannot explain and are really none of your business anyway, I’m not at liberty to just take down a sign that I didn’t put up.
NERD: But that sign is offensive!
Me: That’s an opinion. What about the sign exactly is offensive to you?
NERD: Well, it is making fun of our product.
Me: (reading briefly) It says here it is talking about “magic juice.”
NERD: Yes, exactly.
Me: Do you sell magic juice?
NERD: No! Calling it “magic” is derogatory. We sell fruit-juice for health-conscious individuals that conveys special healing powers.
Me: How much is this juice?
NERD: $42.25 per bottle.
Me: So, your juice is not magic juice?
NERD: No!
Me: Okay. So it sounds to me like you charge over $40 for regular fruit juice, and that this sign doesn’t apply to you. This sign is talking about magic juice. But you just sell atrociously expensive regular juice.
NERD: Um..
Me: Right?
NERD: Well, there’s a phrase in that sign that talks about pyramid schemes designed to prey upon the naive and greedy.
Me: So?
NERD: That offends me.
Me: Is your business a pyramid scheme that preys upon the naive and greedy?
NERD: That’s beside the point.
Me: No, it is the point. Either that phrase describes your business factually, or it doesn’t describe you at all. Either way, you should not be offended.
NERD: Well, it IS offensive!
Me: Look, a statement saying that pyramid schemes prey upon the naive and greedy is a fact. it is like someone telling me, “Matt, your hair is going gray.” That is a fact. There’s no reason to be offended by that. If someone were to tell me, “Matt, your hair is turning pink,” that also is not offensive, because it is not true. Either way, it’s not offensive.
NERD: But…
Me: I think what you find “offensive” is not really offensive, but disconcerting. You’re afraid the naive and greedy people that come in here to do business with you will find out the truth about your business. You’re afraid they will find out they have been deceived, and that in fact the whole business model is based upon deceiving people.
NERD: (threatening) Now look here. You’d better get in there and take down that sign, or…

Just then, as he started vigorously towards me, I snapped my fingers. Around the corner walked a half-dozen large, smelly, long-haired guys dressed in black slacks, black shoes, white socks, and black Apple t-shirts. Yes – the Black Ponytails. Mice and keyboards started flailing about as the severe beatings began.

Suffice it to say, I thought we had an understanding. The broken tiles in the foyer were replaced this morning. Yet, today another open-house was held in the foyer. I may need to call those friends of mine again…