Current Standings:

• Current artist/album/song: Styx/Return to Paradise/Blue Collar Man
• Songs listened to: 8914
• Total Songs: 10504
• Percentage Complete: 84.86%
• Estimated Completion: June 2010

Still estimating a completion time of June.  Can I bring this in at all?  That all depends on how much time I’m allowed to spend in my office.

The past month has been mostly excellent, highlighted by Stone Temple Pilots and Styx of course.  I did get that movie-only heavy metal band in there, Steel Dragon.  What?  You thought it would be Spinal Tap?  Yeah, a lot of you thought that.

The Ts have a lot of unknown quantities in them, but Tool is definitely one I’m looking forward to.  With luck we could get clear through the Ts before the next update.

By the way, some of you are having trouble remembering the rules, which are posted here.  And some of you are having trouble understanding alphabetical order, which is basically explained here.  Although the ordering is, strictly speaking, iTunes alphabetical order, which may or may not conform with true alphabetical order.  Blame Steve.

Image credit: amazon.com

Yes, Mozy bought me a new MacBook Pro. Like I said, Mozy loves me. It is obvious that she wants my body, totally.

So I’m setting up the new MacBook as I speak – er, type. I’m borrowing another MacBook to do this blog posting, because I cannot bear the thought of sitting here waiting without being able to use either my new MacBook Pro or my Mac Pro workstation while the Migration Assistant is transferring files:

As you can see, I still have over an hour to wait. Anyone who knows me knows I get bored so easily that there is no way I can wait that long. So I’m borrowing this other laptop in the meantime.

By the way, did you know that the new MacBook Pro bodies are made with a single piece of aluminum? It’s true. These are naturally occurring chunks of aluminum mined straight out of the ground in the shape of a laptop. They are very rare; it is no wonder Apple had to wait so long to produce laptops this way. Anyway, each should be considered a treasure, because who knows how many naturally-occurring laptop-shaped pieces of aluminum there are in the world – certainly the supply is limited.

However, the truly best part about this gift is that I should be able to avoid run-ins with the Black Ponytails next year at WWDC, since in reality I just borrowed that other MacBook long enough to get those guys off my back and spare my own life.

Yes, it is obvious, Mozy is totally in love with me. I’m holding out, though. I’ve got hand in this relationship. I’m holding out for an iPhone. I’m not ready to commit to a steady relationship, but if she really and truly loves me, she’ll buy me an iPhone, and then it might be time to start “going steady,” if you know what I mean.

At this point, I realized that probably there is a built-in loyalty detection device in the Mac hardware that can tell whether you are truly sincere or not. And since I had given fake devotion to the Cult of the Mac before, that is probably why it was not letting me install Tiger at all.

As a final straw, during installation I completely reformatted the hard drive and renamed that volume “ILoveSteve_Really”. The installation worked. I’m not making this up.

So, to all you Cult of the Mac people, whom, as far as you are concerned, I love, respect, and admire beyond comprehension, if you ever have any trouble getting OS X to install, try showering some evidence of devotion upon your installation volume, and perhaps you too will find success.

First thing this morning, after the wardrobe improvements, I walked down Market St. to the Apple Store. I bought a new Macbook Pro with several performance upgrades. I placed it gently in the beautiful, sleek, new laptop carrying bag that I was provided when I registered for the conference.

I’m still not significantly overweight, nor do I have enough hair for a ponytail, yet. But I’m working on it. I didn’t even shower today.

I walked into Moscone West this morning. It didn’t take me long to find the Black Ponytails. I approached them resolutely. They regarded me with some reservation as I opened my laptop bag, intentionally displaying the new laptop I had purchased that day, which I hoped to be able to pay for later, and extracted the document they had left with me the night before.

I handed it to the leader of the group. He took it with suspicion, and immediately scanned his sight to the bottom of the page, where he saw my fingerprint, imprinted upon the document in my own blood.

He smiled. “Welcome, brother.” I smiled back, then turned and walked away.

A calming, satisfied smile settled across my face. Paraphrasing Winston Smith, I thought to myself, “I love Mac.”

Anyway, I took this picture not for that reason, but for another reason. I can’t tell you how many times people have e-mailed me asking, “Matt, what would your brother look like if he gained 40 pounds?” Well, stop asking and just take a look at this picture. Now you know.

Sort of. It is rather grainy, I admit.

Later that day I went by Dan’s hotel to see what his room was like. Dan called the St. Regis Hotel and somehow managed to score a room rate of about 1/2 the normal $500-$600 per night rate. I called the same hotel within about 10-15 minutes and could not get the same rate – in fact I was told it was not possible.

Apparently they have a different understanding of “not possible” than what I have. Anyway, Dan had a corner room with an incredible view of downtown San Francisco:

The second picture is just to the left of the first, showing a great view of the Moscone Center and Yerba Buena Gardens. WWDC hosts a big bash in Yerba Buena Gardens on Thursday night, which was tonight, in the gardens. It was a great frolicking time. In fact, I was having such a great time that I lost track of where I was and forgot to take what you by now would assume would be my normal precautions. Instead, I suddenly found myself alone in a dark and remote corner of the gardens, surrounded by none other than the Black Ponytails.

I once heard that the reason Metallica kicked Dave Mustaine out early in the band’s history was because when the other guys would get drunk, they would just get really silly, but when Dave would get drunk, he would get angry. Well, suffice it to say that the Black Ponytails would also not get along with Metallica when they are drunk. When you combine free alcohol, the Black Ponytails, an Apple n00b like me, and the darkest, remotest corner of Yerba Buena, you end up with a dozen substantial embodiments combining to form about 3000 pounds of black Mac fury. Believe me, I was petrified.

“Well, if it isn’t the Linux baby,” one of them taunted as they surrounded me and backed me into the corner.

“Now, guys, I’m not meaning to cause any trouble here,” I said, before I was blasted upside the head with a copy of Cocoa Programming for Mac OS X, 2nd Edition that had been hurled at me.

“Shut up, Linux baby. You don’t get to talk,” one of them hissed from the other side.

The leader continued. “Look, you freak. Nobody invited you here. Nobody wants you here. You think you can just show up here because you paid?!? You don’t have true devotion! You don’t truly love Apple! You aren’t dedicated to making Steve Jobs ridiculously wealthy! We can see it in your eyes.”

As he spoke, they all opened up their black backpacks and pulled out USB mice and stylish thin Mac keyboards. Those with the mice held onto the end of the cable while the mouse itself dropped down, dangling from their hands. Those with the keyboards grabbed one end with both hands and held it up in front of them, like a baseball bat. They were closing in, closer and closer. The air reeked of fear and 3000 pounds of body odor. I tried to remain calm, but panic started to set in. Didn’t anybody see me? Didn’t Zach and Dan know I was gone? Was there nobody to help me?

“You aren’t one of us. You don’t belong here. And now you are going to pay.”

With that the blows started coming, harder, harder, and faster. Mouse and keyboard buttons were flying everywhere as the blows came in. I crumpled to the ground. My head was throbbing from the blows of the mice hitting my head, being used like medieval maces. I raised my hands to try to deflect the flailing mice, but then I felt the hard, crushing blows as the keyboards hit my ribs and back, held sideways so that I was being struck by the edges and corners, thus inflicting maximum damage. I felt bruises turn into welts, then blood blisters, and finally open, bleeding wounds. I could hear the occasional sickening crack of ribs when a particularly well-aimed keyboard struck exactly right. I curled up, drawing my legs up towards me, which elicited numerous jeering cries of “Linux baby! Linux baby!” Still, the hurling mice seemed to find their way inside my defenses. Now partially broken apart, the remaining plastic fragments on the mouse bodies would cut, grab, and tear at my flesh, leaving small stabbing and cutting wounds all over my face, head, hands, and back.

After what seemed an eternity but was probably only five to ten minutes, they finally stopped and stood back a pace. I lay immobile for some seconds, trying to determine if it was finally over. But just as I’d determined they were done, just as I moved to start to get up, the leader snapped his fingers loudly, and on that signal two of them stepped in, pinned me down and forced my hands behind my back, tying them tightly together with mouse cables. They stood me up and held me between them.

The leader bent down and pulled my laptop out of my case. He looked it over with an air of superiority and disdain. Then he finally looked at me. “You see this laptop?”

“Yes,” I panted. “Please. Come on, just leave me alone. I’ll leave.”

He laughed a short, scoffing laugh, and took a step toward me. “This laptop is a…” – he cocked his arms back, ready to swing – “PIECE” – he struck me forcefully with the laptop across my head where I immediately felt warm blood gushing from the newly opened wound – “OF” – the backswing caught me full in the face as the taste of blood flooded my mouth – “CRAP!” – he brought the laptop up and shattered it over the top of my head.

My head was throbbing like nothing I had ever felt before. I was so dizzy I could hardly stand or even retain consciousness. I spat blood from my mouth just for it to fill up again. It hurt to breathe against the wounds in my back and sides. I could barely see past swollen eyes and cheekbones. My hands ached where I knew bones were broken. Blood ran freely down my face and pooled on the ground below.

The two Black Ponytails continued to hold me upright while the leader turned and went back to his backpack. He pulled out what appeared to be a piece of parchment paper. Between the throbbing in my head, the intense blackness of the darkest regions of Yerba Buena, and the lights flashing in my eyes from the blows to my head, I really could not tell what it was.

The leader came back. With a smug grin on his face he strutted up to me. He grabbed my hair and lifted my head up, shoving the paper in front of my face. “You see this paper?” he said. “You wanna read this paper. You wanna do what it says, and sign it. And you wanna find me tomorrow and bring it to me. You wanna do it, Linux baby. Or we’re gonna finish what we started here tonight.”

Keeping hold of my hair with his left hand, he dropped the paper on the ground in front of me. Then, suddenly, he pulled back and punched me with the full force of his fist right in the nose. I felt the bones break as I struggled to breathe, my nasal cavity filling up with blood.

The two that were holding me up finally let me go. I collapsed to the ground as the Black Ponytails dispersed into the night. Just before I lost consciousness, I was barely able to make out the words atop the paper on the ground in front of me. They read:

However, it seemed that the day would go pretty well. I walked in to Moscone West and noticed that nearly all of the slobber had evaporated off of the bust of Steve. I attended some great sessions and picked up some ultra-top-secret software provided to all attendees that I can’t discuss or even admit publicly that I have. I even stopped at the Apple Store and bought myself an Apple T-shirt, wondering aloud at the fact that Apple could get people to buy their t-shirts at their own conference when at Novell we had to give them away to get anyone to take them (with the exception of the awesome “Got Linux?” t-shirts, those were really special).

It was the last session of the day and I’d done pretty good at keeping myself out of trouble. My final session of day 3 had to do with scripting on the Mac. When we got to Q&A, I stood up to ask my question:

“Eric is a really great Python IDE available as open source on Linux. Have you considered providing and supporting Eric on Mac in your developer tools? That would really be awesome.”

About the time I muttered the word “Linux,” every head in the audience turned on a swivel to scowl menacingly in my direction. Displaying obvious disdain and exercising the greatest of patience, the presenter took a deep breath and then replied measuredly: “Xcode is already a great Python tool. There is no need for Mac to attempt to copy anything that is being done by Linux.”

I apologized and turned to sit down, but not before I noticed the Black Ponytails sitting a number of rows ahead of me.

I tried to leave the session quickly but my exits seemed blocked at every turn, almost as though it were a coordinated effort. Finally I exited and started my long walk up the corridor toward the common area. Suddenly I found myself surrounded by Black Ponytails.

“Hey, check it out, it’s the Linux boy!”

“Yeah Linux boy! Maybe we should make the Mac more like Linux! Lol!” (Yes, he really said “lol”.)

They all laughed as the started shoving me back and forth between them. Mockingly, one said, “Ooh, check me out! I compile my own kernel!”

“Looky what I can do! I know how to use a command line!” sneered another.

Then with another shove they got serious. “Look here, you Linux baby! You infant! Linux is nothing compared to FreeBSD! Compared to Darwin, the core upon which heaven’s own OS is based – Mac OS X!”

“Hey, guys, I know! I like FreeBSD! I just come from a Linux background, that’s all!” I protested.

“Shut your hole, Linux baby. Who invited you here anyway?” With that, I felt a huge shove in the back and fell into the sizable girth of the guy in front of me. “Who said you could touch me, Linux baby?” he threatened.

Just when I thought all hope was lost, I heard Dan and Zach call out to me, “Hey Matt!” The Black Ponytails looked around casually, then dispersed as if by a signal. I had escaped certain demise.

I spent the rest of the evening at the Apple Design Awards and the Stump the Experts night. I thought perhaps if the Black Ponytails saw me there they would realize that I really wasn’t such a bad guy. Unfortunately, I’m not sure they saw me; they were on the other side of the very large room, engaged in what seemed to be a very intense coding session. But maybe they caught a glimpse; maybe they will still give me a chance.

So I guess it goes without saying that the Black Ponytails spotted me without problem. I had not even noticed them as I sat down in the session I was attending that afternoon. I pulled out my Dell laptop. I mean, I know it is an Apple conference. But surely they don’t expect everyone to have a Macbook, do they?

Well, apparently they do. I hadn’t even finished logging in to my laptop when I was struck in the back of the head by something small and hard. At first I thought it was a rock, but when I turned around and looked I saw it was a small USB thumb drive. Not far behind me were the Black Ponytails. One sneered at me and suggested, using unkind words not appropriate for polite company, that perhaps I should put my laptop away. I obliged, wondering why these people just could not be accepting of someone new.

After some time they started letting us in to the building as we progressed through the various waiting locations. When we entered the building, everyone had to stop and kiss the bronze bust of Steve in the lobby entryway. I was reluctant, in part because it seemed a bit zealous, and in part because by the time I got there it was already dripping in saliva. But everyone was doing it so I just gave in.

It was at this point I saw some guys not far ahead of us in line. One of them happened to look back right as I offered what must have been an obviously obligatory, insincere kiss to the bust of Steve. He glared at me and then started whispering to his friends.

They all looked roughly the same: Each was quite substantially overweight; each wore black cotton slacks with a black belt and a black t-shirt that declared devotion to Apple in some way; each wore black shoes with white socks. Each had long hair pulled back into a ponytail, with a smattering of dandruff scattered notably on their shoulders. Each carried a laptop bag and an iPhone. I smiled weakly as he pointed me out to the other five or so in his little group. They just glared back at me.

Just then the line started moving. They left me alone as the line progressed. Here you can see a picture of all the people less devoted than we were:
Our group rustled our way up the stairs as we drew ourselves closer and closer to that mecca known as Presidio. It is admittedly hard to walk quietly when you are wearing a sanitary undergarment for the relief of incontinence. Personally, being a n00b, I had chosen not to wear one, failing to see the need. But the others felt it necessary; who knew what would happen at the keynote?!?

Finally, after hours of waiting, we arrived!

We were really inside the WWDC Keynote! And, we could almost see the stage from where we were. Those around me struggled to contain their emotions as the starting time approached, while I struggled to locate a place where I could get a snack.

Finally, Steve Jobs himself walked out onto the stage. Many thoughts filled my brain, such as, “His voice is a lot higher-pitched than I imagined.” Everyone managed to maintain control until he announced the new price of the iPhone: only $199. People all around me burst into tears and into their sanitary undergarments as the room filled with a grateful chorus: “Thank you, Steve! Oh, thank you!”

I was also pleased; the new iPhone was only 1/2 as unaffordable to me as it was before. In fact, I began to feel some inklings of devotion to Apple plant themselves into my heart. It made me nervous, so I quickly uprooted these tiny seedlings. Still, I was oddly feeling compelled to purchase a brand new MacBook Pro, so I would have something to put into the laptop bag I had been given at conference registration.

I walked back to the hotel amidst the rustling throng of exuberant, delighted conference attendees. Each emanated a happy smile from their face and the smell of byproduct from their nether-regions. It made me glad that they were so happy. Then I caught site of the Black Ponytails again. They glared at me as I walked by. Perhaps they could detect a distinct lack of rustle as I walked? Perhaps they could detect the distinct lack of odor wafting out behind me? Perhaps they could tell that I took a shower that morning? Whatever it was, apparently I was not fooling anyone. I tried to ignore them as I walked by, but I’m looking over my shoulder now.