Seeping Matter

So last night was the big finale of “Lost,” the TV show sensation that proved you don’t actually need to have a workable plot to make uber-gazillions of dollars selling flashing pictures to people.

I haven’t actually watched the finale yet.  I may or may not, but the murmur I’ve seen on the interwebs about it today indicates that the finale is probably pretty much what I thought it would be.

A month or so ago I read about this in my issue of “Wired.”  I like Wired, but admittedly the authors are guilty of a bit of fanboyism with some things.  Like Google.  And Apple.  And, apparently, Lost.  They did a big write-up where, among other things, they discussed with the writers of “Lost” many of the unsolved questions in Lost up to that point, and asked the writers if all the questions would be answered.  The writers pontificated, talked in circles, praised themselves and their genius, and in many other ways answered, to paraphrase:  No, not really.

I was going to post a link to the Wired article, but I changed my mind because they used a potty word.  But you can get pretty much the gist of it here.

Anyway, I figure I better chip in here, to help people understand the finale of “Lost.”  I think I owe it to the global economy to just cut to the chase here and end the debate.

Episode 1: A bunch of people miraculously survive a jet airliner crash-landing on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, only to find they are deserted there.

Episodes 2-(Finale-1): The writers attract a devoted following as they create more questions than answers by throwing everything into the show they can think of.  Lifelike inanimate objects.  Unexplained wild animals.  Intricate past and future lives.  A mysterious sequence of numbers.  Others.  Dharma Initiatives.  Moving islands.  Magnets.  Time travel.  Alternate universes.  Nuclear weapons that don’t kill people.  Dead people who are not dead.  An island that needs protecting.  As best I can explain it, the writers would get together on Monday, do drugs all week long, and on Friday they’d take whatever they happened to write down or remember from the week and make that into a show.

Finale: Panic sets in as the writers realize that people want an ending.  Then they remember:  We’re artists!  We’re elite!  We don’t have to explain ourselves!  If the audience can’t understand our art, that makes them uncultured swine!  And we can even tell them this and they will worship us all the more!  We don’t have to explain anything!

Somewhere in here, in an incredible act of hubris, they actually tell people in magazine interviews that they are doing this.  And even more incredibly, most people hear this and say, “Oh, yes!  We ARE uncultured swine!  Thank you for not answering any of our questions!”

Anyway, I hope this clarifies things for you.

Have you ever sent your child to school when they had a sore throat?

You probably thought it wasn’t too serious.  You probably didn’t want to have to deal with them being home sick.  You probably didn’t want to have to take a day off work or cancel your lunch date with your girlfriends.  (By the way, if that last one applies to you, I hope you are a girl, or not married.)

Anyway, you sent your child to school with a sore throat.

Well, guess what, Mr. Selfish-Pants?  Your child has strep throat!  Yep.  You didn’t even know it.

And then, since your child has strep, and since your child is in class with my child, now my child has strep.

And guess what else?  Maybe my child reacts differently to strep.  Maybe instead of just getting strep throat, my child gets a much more severe infection.  Did you know that thousands of children under the age of 12 are hospitalized each year for strep infections?

I’m not really sure if that is true, because I just made it up.

Nevertheless, maybe my child has a severe reaction.  Maybe my child ends up having some form of vasculitis or a fever or severe muscle and joint pain or pneumonia or swelling in her abdominal organs!  Maybe my child ends up severely ill and hospitalized for days and days while doctors try to figure out what is wrong!  Other than the fact that she gets to take narcotics, almost nothing good has come out of this!  All because you sent your child to school with strep throat.

That’s not all.  Maybe I had to miss several days of work to help take care of my sick child in the big scary hospital.  Maybe this happened right at the end of a project deadline, so as a result maybe my project missed its delivery date.  Maybe that means that our software product is not going to ship on time.  All because of you.

If that were to happen, maybe Microsoft misses its earnings projections. (In seriousness, please see below. Really.)  As a result of reporting bad earnings, our stock tanks, costing thousands of Microsoft employees and other shareholders thousands or even millions of dollars.  Revenues in Best Buy stores in the Redmond, Washington area drop 50% over the previous year due to unrealized bonuses.  The economy plummets as the S&P drops hundreds of points in a single day due to Microsoft’s bad numbers.

People all over the country lose their jobs due to the tanking economy.  This death cycle continues as one company after another fails to meet revenue targets.  More and more people lose their homes.  Homeless rates skyrocket.  Anarchy reigns as people band together in small militias to stay alive, using force to raid convenience and grocery stores for food and water.  Larger militias take over entire towns and enforce their will through starvation of those who will not align under their rule.

Martial law is put into effect as the entire country becomes a military state in attempt to maintain some semblance of peace.  Basic freedoms guaranteed by the constitution are lost as the military takes over.  Local militia groups band together under an evil leader and take over the government by military coup, installing that leader as a supreme fascist dictator in a new communistic government.  Millions are needlessly slaughtered in public executions in order to bring the rest of the populace under control.

Then a huge asteroid is discovered, hurtling through outer space and heading straight for Earth.  And since the government has been overthrown and the new government no longer has any money, we can’t hire the world’s best deep-water drilling team to come and learn how to be astronauts in two weeks and fly up into outer space, slingshot around the moon at 35 g’s and drill into the asteroid, put nukes in there and blow it up.  The asteroid hits earth and everyone and everything on earth dies.

All because you sent your child to school with a sore throat.  You selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish little self-centered selfish-person, you.

DISCLAIMER: I work for Microsoft, but I don’t speak for Microsoft. I already said this before, but I’m just making sure you know, in case you don’t know how to tell when I am joking around. Seriously, I have no idea how our earnings will go. I have absolutely no inside information. I’m just a peon. Whatever you do, don’t make investment decisions based on my blog posts. If you saw my portfolio you would know what I’m talking about.

On Twitter I just announced that I’m starting a new fund:  the “Build Matt a Private Indoor Lap-Swimming Pool” fund.

I’m so excited about this new venture.  If successful, I’m sure it will bring me a lot of joy, and hopefully it will do the same for all the contributors.

Here’s how it works:

• I want a private indoor lap-swimming pool.
• I don’t have any money.
• Other people have money.  Maybe even YOU.
• You contribute money to my fund.
• I build a private indoor lap-swimming pool.
• I’m happier.
• Maybe you will be happier.

I know you are eager to contribute and become a Partner.  Here are the different levels of contribution:

• $10000 – Gold Partner
• $5000 – Silver Partner
• $2000 – Bronze Partner
• $1000 – Iron Partner
• $500 – Tinfoil Partner

Minimum contribution is $500.  Gold Partners get their names printed in a little plaque that I might display inside the pool.  And they also get a 50% discount on swimming at my pool between the hours of 1:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m.

Talk about win-win.  I know you are excited, so feel free to contact me for more details on how to contribute.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So, uhhhh, hmm…..

Wulllllllllllllllll…….

I, uhhh, was told, uhhh, at work that, uhhhh, they, uhhh, wish I were, uhhh, as passionate about, uhhhh, my job as, uhhhhh, my blog.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, hrrrrmmmmmmm.   This is, uhhhh, a problem, hrm.

So, uhhh, that’s it.  No more, uhhhhhh, interesting posts.  Only, uhhhhh, boring posts.  From now on.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh, bye.

So I just finished some online banking and stepped away for a moment.  When I came back I clicked the Logout button and got an error message saying this:

Your request can not be completed because your Web Access session has expired. Please click OK and login again.

So let me get this straight.

I cannot log out because my login has expired.

This means that I am effectively logged out.

What I should do is log in again.

Then I will be able to log out.

Did I get understand that correctly?

Yes, you read that correctly.  For far too long all us coding frogs have been neglected and discriminated against.  But no more!  My new software development website, www.codingfrogs.net, is up and running!

I will now take questions.

Q:  What is codingfrogs.net?

A:  It is my new software development blog, dealing with the technical, process, and business aspects of software development.

Q:  Where did you get that outstanding frog picture?

A:  I know, huh!

Q:  No, really – where?

A:  It is the original creation of Rosie Leung, which she made available via Creative Commons on her website.

Q:  Are only coding frogs allowed at that website, or may any type of coding animal visit?

A:  codingfrogs.net welcomes any type of coding animal, but frogs get preferred seating.

Q:  Will you allow other coding frogs to guest-post on codingfrogs.net?

A:  Yes, but only if I let them.

Q:  Isn’t the purpose of this post primarily to drive up your PageRank score for codingfrogs.net, even if only by a tiny amount?

A:  Next question.

Q:  Why codingfrogs.net?

A:  Because the domain name was available, of course.

Q:  Is it true that you created this website to Michelle Barnum would quit complaining about your technical posts?

A:  Pretty much.

I stopped in at the Texaco today for gasoline, a car wash, and windshield wiper fluid.  I pay cash now (more on this later) so I went into the store to pay for the other two things and prepay for my gas.

The car wash and wiper fluid totaled $10.41.

Me:  I also need some gas on pump #7.  I’ll pay you $30 so just put the rest towards gas.

Teller Lady:  Uh…

Me:  (looking at the register sub-total)  … So in other words, I want $19.59 in gas.

Teller Lady:  (punches a bunch of numbers on the register)

Teller Lady:  Okay.  Wow, you were so close!  It’s actually $19.59 in gas.

Yes, I was close.  In fact, it would be hard to be any closer.

It’s that holiday time of year again.  I can tell, because I have to park my Z for the next few months because of the dumb old snow.  I’m being pressured to spend money on things my family does not need, and even worse, to allow people in my family to spend money on things for me that I don’t need.  And the powers-that-be of college football have yet again managed to screw up an otherwise excellent season.

I don’t really mind much, anymore.  I mean, I wish they would come up with a championship that would actually make sense, I really do.  But, as I’ve already explained why a playoff won’t work, I’ve given up all hope of them ever fixing it.  I figure they have also, because they keep on coming back with those same old arguments that try in vain to justify their position.

Just accept it.  Accept it, and be grateful for something to complain about to all your friends.  That’s what I’ve done.  I’ve made complaining about the BCS a part of my annual holiday traditions.

In fact, this is a very great idea.  Normally I would grumble and complain about the holiday season because it is so freakin’ expensive for no good reason.  This usually gets me in trouble with my wife, who says I need to not be such a humbug.  But now, I realize I can always blame it on the BCS.  I can confidently rely upon them to screw up every single winter, and now I can blame my grumpiness on them:

My Wife:  ”Will you help me put up the Christmas lights?”

Me:  ”I hate the dumb Christmas lights.  How about let’s just let the neighbors put up their Christmas lights, and we’ll just look at theirs.  They’ll appreciate it because if we don’t put ours up, people will notice theirs more.”

My Wife:  ”Why are you such a humbug?  You make Christmas miserable for the whole family.”

See, before, I would be in trouble at this point.  BUT NOW, I can say:

Me:  ”Sorry, honey.  It’s the BCS.  Of course, they ruined the college football post-season again, and it is really bringing me down.”

My Wife:  ”Oh, right.  Of course.  I can see why you are so upset.  Here, why don’t you let me make you some chocolate chip cookies?”

See how much better that works?

Of course, the main thing to gripe about this year is not just that neither TCU nor Boise State got a chance to play for the national championship game, despite both teams going undefeated all season.  The main thing to gripe about is that the BCS pitted TCU against Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl, appeasing both teams in principle by giving both a BCS birth, but violating the spirit of it all by having them play each other.  We’ll never know how good TCU or Boise State is this year.  All year we hope one of these mid-major teams will make it to a BCS game just to see how they fare against the big boys.  I guess the BCS schools have had enough of getting their hats handed to them by the mid-majors, so they thought they’d make everyone happy this way.

Well it didn’t work.  Thanks BCS, for saving me again.

Cincinnati has a gripe too, although considering that they just barely beat Pitt last week I’m not sure they are all that good either.  But if they beat Florida, you know Cincinnati will claim co-championship honors, the same way Auburn did a few years ago when they went undefeated but didn’t get to play for the national title.

Oh well.  It’s not all bad.  How so?  Well, USC is playing in the Emerald Bowl, for one thing.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

They don’t actually give out this award, but I have to wonder if they did give an award to the most improved football team in all of college football, if it wouldn’t go to the USU Aggies.

Consider:  Two years ago, they showed infinite improvement over the previous year when they won one game instead of winning zero.  Last year they slowed down a bit, but still showed 100% improvement by winning two games instead of one.  And this year they stayed on pace, improving by 100% again and winning four games instead of just two.  This stellar improvement has, among other things, moved them into the top 100 NCAA football teams!

Can your favorite football team say they have won twice as many games this year as they did last year?  And can they say they’ve done that twice in a row?  Consider:  At this rate, in 2011 USU will actually win more games than they actually play.

If that doesn’t earn them a BCS title, I don’t know what will.  I can’t wait.

Well, rivalry week is over.  Actually, some of the rivalry games (e.g. Michigan-Ohio State) were last week, and some (e.g. Oregon-Oregon State) aren’t until next week.  But this was the big week, and there were some great rivalry games played.

Also, BYU and Utah played.  Around these parts people think it is a big deal.  That’s mostly because they don’t ever watch any other college football games.  These are the same people who, every year, think that this year is the year BYU will win the national title.

Yes.  They are delusional.

Anyway, BYU won the game, like it matters.  Sorry to rain on the parade, but these are also-rans in the Mountain West after all.  Don’t blame me, it isn’t my system.

So in the post-game press conference, they asked BYU QB Max Hall how much the win meant to him, and he proceeded to explain that he hates the U of U football team. No, wait:  all the U of U students.  No, wait:  the whole University of Utah.  No, wait:  every person, anywhere on earth, who has ever cheered against BYU, or who has ever said or done anything against Max Hall’s family that he didn’t like, or who has ever said anything negative or even questionable about Max Hall, ever, or anyone who might at any time in the future suggest anything but the most esteemed or complimentary thoughts in his regard, or who might ever even dare to take the the parking spot that his mom might wish to have at the grocery store.

Yes.  He hates — HATES — all of these people.

So I guess he probably hates me too.  This really has me distraught.  I mean, how can I go on?  Max Hall hates me?!?  And I’ve so been wanting to achieve his approval!

Alright, so I exaggerated a bit.  Hey, it’s my blog, so I can do whatever I like, including change the tone of my blog post from humor to the straight dope.

So here’s the straight dope:  Max Hall, if you want to know why I, a member of the LDS faith, just can’t bring myself to be a full-fledged BYU fan, look no further than the end of your nose, buddy.

Yes, it was a rivalry game.  Yes, BYU lost to Utah last year in large part due to Hall’s mistakes.  Yes, his family was poorly treated after the game last year.  And yes, when it all comes down to it, Hall is a just a mid-20s kid letting off some steam at the end of an emotional football game.

Doesn’t matter to me.

I realize that his behavior wasn’t that much beyond expectation of any other fairly high-profile player on any other fairly high-profile college team.  The problem is, that is just not good enough for me.

It isn’t that I think my religion is better than any other.  It is that it represents me personally.  BYU, and the players that play for that school, and the fans of those teams and players, represent me.  And I’ve been disappointed too many times by players and fans when they have behaved in ways that are not consistent with what I believe.

Hall’s remarks are just the latest in the line.  When he says he hates the University of Utah, their fans, and their players, well, that’s just not in line with what I believe at all.  When he explained that it was in part due to how his family was treated last year, well, my faith teaches that I’m supposed to forgive others, not hold grudges.  When he judges the whole University of Utah, their players, and their entire fanbase based on the actions of a few people, well, that differs from when I was taught to first worry about the beam in my own eye before worrying about the mote in someone else’s.

In short, despite the fact that BYU is supported by the LDS church, it’s just often enough that their players and fans don’t represent my beliefs that I just can’t consider myself a true fan.

Don’t hate me, Max.